A joke or two - 2016

https://gfycat.com/PlaintiveObedientFlounder

 

A man in a Bar was downing them faster than usual when a man on the Barstool next to him said,

"What's Wrong?".

The Man said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife, she was a saint on Earth, she went to Church every single morning ,she spent her days reading and quoting the scriptures,she sang Hymns and Psalms all evening,filled our house with Religious statues and paintings and invited Priests and Nuns to dinner three times a week".

"She sounds like an Angel," the second man commented.
"I suppose the Good Lord took her Early to himself?".


"No" the man replied.








"I strangled her". .

 

" Is This Supposed To Bring Me 'GOOD LUCK'?
"We Are Not Amused"..

 

True story.

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman,
Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight.

 

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man.
I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week,I still had it all,I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,I had a roof over my head,I had T/V and the Internet and I went to the Gym and played Pool and read a lot, as I was working on my MBA on line".

I had no bills and no Debt, I even had full medical coverage".


I felt sorry for him, so I asked," What Happened ? Drugs ? Alcohol ? Divorce ?.

"Oh No, nothing like that", he said",










"NO,NO, I got out of Prison"..

 

THE ART COLLECTORS WIFE.

A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his very wealthy client.
"Saul, I have some good news,and I have some bad news".

The Art collector replied," I've had an awful day,let's hear the good news first".
The lawyer said,"Well, I met with your Wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a Minimum of $15.20 Million, "
"I think she could be right".

Saul replied enthusiastically.

"Well Done !, my wife is a Brilliant Businesswoman !, You've just made my day".

"Now I Know I Can Handle The Bad News, What Is It ?".

The Lawyer replied,




"The Pictures Are of you with your Secretary". .

 

When We woke up yesterday morning, I turned to my wife and said,

"Good Morning My Love, How Are You Today?".

Unfortunately , I didn't get another chance to speak to her all day,

"I didn't like to Interrupt her" .

 

Two Women friends had gone for one of their Girls Nights Out.
Both were faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Gin And Tonic..
Incredibly drunk and walking home ,they needed to pass water,so they stopped in the Cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties and used that.
Her friend ,however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
The next day, one of the woman's husband's was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed,hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said::::.

"These Girls Nights Have Got To Stop ! I'm starting to suspect the worst----------
"My wife came home with no panties !!!!!!!!"..



"That's Nothing", said the other husband,"
"Mine Came Back with a card stuck to her ass that said-------,


"From All Of Us At The Fire Station"
"We'll Never Forget You". .

 

Australian Joke.

A Blokes wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.
He reports the event,searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there,s a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger constable.
"The Sarge says,Mate we have some news for you".
"Unfortunately some really bad news,but some good news,and maybe we have some more good news".

"Well", says the bloke," I guess I'd better have the bad news first".

The Sarge says, I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead !".
"Young Bill here found her lying about Five Fathoms in a little cleft in the reef,he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead".

The Bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn,but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge say's,"HELL, when we got your wife up, there was quite a few really good sized Lobsters, and a swag of Crabs attached to her, so we brought you your share".
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and five big Crabs in it.

"GEE THANKS,They're blooody beauties",I guess it's an ill wind and all that::::: so what's the other possible Good News?".

"Well", the Sarge says ,if you fancy a quick trip,me and young Bill get off duty around
11 o' clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again !". .

 

Retirement:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart...

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

 

Subject: Mrs. Foyt or Passing the *uck!

One by one, all the senior members of the company's Board of Directors were
called into the chairman's office until only Ted, the junior member, was
left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the
chairman and the other ten directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he sat down, the chairman turned to Ted, looked him squarely in
the eye,

and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my
secretary?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt, anytime, anywhere,"
insisted Ted.

Satisfied the chairman said . "Good. Then you fire her."

 

Redneck womans letter to son.

Dearest Son,

I’m writing this slow ‘cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ‘em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

 

I had a power cut at my house this morning.
My Pc, Laptop.TV,DVD, I PAD,and new Surround Sound Music System were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my I phone battery was dead,.
To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a Bike ride, or run.



The garage door opener needed electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car.
I went to the kitchen to make coffee, and then remembered this also needed power.

So I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.


She Seems Like A Nice Person. .

 

A Man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of Clocks behind him.
He Asked," What are all these clocks for ?"
Saint Peter answered,"These are Lie Clocks:everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie Clock:every time you lie the hands on the clock move ".
"Oh", said the man, "Whose clock is that ?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", Replied St Peter," the hands have never moved,indicating that she never told a lie". "Incredible", said the man: " and whose clock is that one ?".

St Peter Responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's Clock,the hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life".


"Where's Donald Trump's Clock? asked the man.

St Peter Replied. ,"We're Using It As A Ceiling Fan". .