A joke or two - 2016

I was almost a Doctor

When I was young in 1970’s, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered ‘spine’ are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

 

The small Church had a very attractive big busted organist, Linda,and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably,the proper Church Ladies were appalled, they said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem,and told her to mash up some Green Astringent Persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But they warned Linda not to taste any of the Green Persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The Voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday Morning the Minister climbed onto the Pulpit and said:::::::::.









"Dew To Thircumsthanthis Bewond My Contwol We Will Not Hab A Thermon Tewday". .

 

I was at my bank today; there was a short queue.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for pounds.
It was obvious she was a little irritated... .. She asked the bank clerk,
"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pound fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

What goes between the brackets?

(and it's not 6. )

.........1........3.......5

.........2........4.......[__]

 

When God Sends You Help. Don’t Ask Questions

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication. Got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.

He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!”

Is GOD great or what!?!

 

I give up - what is it ?

 

It's "R", Harry.

(Top of a gear stick from my MX5.)

 

What do you call 2 Crows?

 

Let's see how many people I can upset with these.


A history teacher asks a class full of kids – ‘What was Churchill famous for?’
A kid at the back shouts out ‘He was the last white man to be called Winston!’
———————————————————————-
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
———————————————————————-
What’s the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn..
———————————————————————-
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says ‘Show me it’s true what they say about black men’…
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
———————————————————————-
What’s the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
———————————————————————-
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband ‘I must confess darling, I was a hooker!’.
He says ‘That’s all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it’.
She replies ‘Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !’.
———————————————————————-
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
——————————————————————————
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low?
——————————————————————————
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

 

A murder?

 

Close.

Attempted Murder.

Credit to @willow for that one

 

I'm gonna have to pull you up on that one, her name was Gareth, and she played for Swansea

 

'scuse me for being a tad thick , but I don't get it @Zigs

 

Groan.... but it's a "6" on my Mitsubishi ASX If I could get into an MX5 these days , you would need to winch me out. I like cars that you have to step up to get into these days