A JOKE OR TWO.!!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

(A Couple Of Blonde Jokes).

A Blonde pushes her B.M.W. into a garage and tells the Mechanic the car has died.

After he works on it for a few minutes,It was running smoothly.
She say's, "What's The Story?".

He replies, " Just crap in the carburettor".

She Asks, " How often do I have to do that?". .

_______________________________________________________________________________
In a Swimming Gala, after the blonde came in last competing in the Breast Stroke,
she complained to the Judges that all the other Girls,

Were using their Arms . .

 

'Moaning Lisa Having A Bad Hair Day'

 

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are pregnant and sitting in their doctor’s waiting room.

The redhead says, “when we conceived, my husband was on top, so we’re going to have a little girl.”

The brunette says, “when we conceived I was on top so I’m going to have a little boy.”

The blonde thought for a second and then broke out into tears.

“Oh no… then I’m going to have a puppy!”

 

G od's Plan for Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

 

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerks hand was bandaged, but before he could ask him about the bandage the clerk said he had very good news for him.

"Guess what sir, I finally sold that terrible ugly suit we had for years".

"Do you mean that repulsive Pink and Blue double breasted thing?", the manager asked.
"Yes Sir That One", said the clerk .
"That's Great", the manager said, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity, that had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had !, but tell me why is your hand bandaged?".
"Oh", the clerk replied,

"After I sold the guy that suit his guide dog bit me"..

 

A Chinese family of four, their names were ,Bu, Chu, Fu and Hu, they were considering emigration to the U.S.A.
Their applications were accepted but staff at the U.S. Embassy in Beijing suggested that they should consider adopting American sounding names to help their integration.


Bu became Buck.

Chu became Chuck.

Hu became Huck.

Fu decided to stay in China. .

 

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife woke up to
find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both went off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The
mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let
him get himself out of it."

 

Heaven.

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the Throne Of Heaven.
God looks at them and says,
"Before granting you a place at my side ,I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in".
God asks Obama first:"What do you believe?".
Obama thinks long and hard,looks God in the eye and says: I believe in hard work and staying true to Family and Friends,I believe in giving,I was lucky,but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God cannot help but see the essential goodness of Obama and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says,"What do you believe?".
Hillary says,"I believe in passion,discipline,courage and honour are the fundamentals of life,I believe in hard work and I have always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American".

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high pitched eloquence and he offers her a seat to his Right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says:"And You Donald What Do You Believe?" Trump replies;





"I Believe You're In My Seat"..

 

Man in Chinese restaurant: Waiter, this squid is rubbery.
Waiter: Oh! So bery grad you rike it!

 

Oh, good grief lol lol,