A JOKE OR TWO.!!

My Neighbour was working in his Garden when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn..

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement," you appear quite elderly to be driving".

"Well,yes I am",she replied proudly,"I'll be 98 next month,and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driving licence any more ".
..

He asked,"How do you know ?".

"The last time I went to the doctor he examined me and asked if I had a drivers licence, I told him yes and handed it to him".

"He then took scissors out of the drawer, cut the licence into pieces ,and threw them in the waste basket,saying,"You Won't need this any more".

"So I Thanked Him And Left". .

 

Two Indian Junkies accidentally snorted Curry Powder Instead Of Cocaine.
Both Are In Hospital------------One's In A Korma ,The Other's Got A Dodgy Tikka.


A Mummy Covered In Chocolate And Nuts Has Been Discovered In Egypt,
Archaeologists Believe It May Be, Pharaoh Rocher. .

 

My bear’s diarrhea problem’s beginning to worry me.
The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

 

Subject: Did you ever think about it~!?


Subject: Did you ever think about.....

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food
bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing
it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U?
Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes
75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

- The word "SWIMS" backwards and upside-down is still "SWIMS"

- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as
trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today
everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are
probably dead.

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When",
you get the answer
to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than
there were before.

- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

 

THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY


I called an old MIT classmate and asked

what he was doing.


He replied that he was working on "Aqua-

thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum

and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...


Upon further inquiry, I learned that he was

washing dishes with hot water under his

wife's supervision.

 

A Few months ago I went into a Funeral Directors, bought and paid for my funeral.




There were two Young Ladies that served me.






First time in Years two women have wanted my Body..

 

David Beckham gets into a Taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says,"Ok Give Me A Clue".


Beckham says," I had a Glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over
a Hundred Caps for England, Is That Enough?". Driver Replied,








"No You Thick Twit, Where Do You Want To Go ?". .

 

A Guy was out hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged,shooting him in the genitals .
Several hours later,lying in a hospital bed,he was approached by his doctor.
"Well Sir, I have some good news and some bad news, the good news is that you are going to be ok".
"The damage was local to your groin,there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the Buckshot".

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it,I'm going to refer you to my Sister" .

"Well I guess that isn't to too bad",the hunter replied",
"Is your Sister a Plastic Surgeon ?".

"Not exactly", answered the Doctor,

"She's a Flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra".





"She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't urinate in your eyes"..

 

Willie Says To Jimmy," I'm ready for a Holiday,only this year I'm going to do it a bit different".

"3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got Pregnant".

"2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got Pregnant".

"Last year I went to Egypt and Mary got Pregnant".

Jimmy Asks,"So what are you going to do this year?".






Willie replies,"I'll Take Her With Me"..

 

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20170815_2017-04-19-video-000000.mp4