A JOKE OR TWO.!!

'And The First Question To Win £100, Is'

"The Title Of Take That's First Album Consisted Of Four Words ".

"The first two words were, ,Take That",
"What are the other two words that complete the title"?.


There was a long pause,then a wee Glesga man stood up and said,












"Was It ,Ya Ba------ "? .

 

​

 

After being married for 40 years,a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while,then said,"You are an Alphabet wife,
"A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,".

She asks,"What the hell does that mean?"..

He said,"Adorable,Beautiful,Cute,Delightful,Elegant,Fabulous,Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said,"Oh That's Lovely, but what about I, J, K ?".



He said, " I'm Just Kidding" .











The swelling in his eye is going down,and the Doctor is fairly optimistic,
about saving his Testicles..

 

In an area in Scotland the U.F.O sightings have increased dramatically over the past year.

The Scottish Government are not alarmed by this increase,as they say the sightings will decrease by Next Year, When the price of Whisky goes up to £16 a bottle.:rasp:.




I think the Scottish Government will get a big surprise,when the Booze Cruises To Carlisle start next year. :rasp::rasp:.

 

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.

You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"


"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"


"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."


"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."


"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,

but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope"

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,

and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,

and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "What a lousy hairdo!"

 

A 90 year old man said to his Doctor,"I've never felt better.I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child, what do you think about that Doctor ?".

The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,

"I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a Season".
"One day when he was going out in a hurry he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his Gun ,when he got to the Creek he saw a Beaver sitting beside the stream",
"He raised his umbrella and went, Bang,Bang,and the Beaver was Dead",

"What Do You Think Of That?", said the Doctor.

The 90 Year Old answered,

"I'd Say Someone Else Shot That Beaver "



"My Point Exactly", Said the Doctor..

 

Did You Know That Santa Is A Scotsman. ? .







Too Many Pies And Hot Toddy's And Not Enough Exercise. .

 

A wee Clydeside man, who worked in the shipyards all his life,wins on the Pools and decides to do something they could never have dreamed of doing- take a trip on one of the ships he helped build- The QE2.

Now as once in a lifetime event, he goes the whole hog and takes one of the best staterooms.

Naturally the Captain when he hears one of the men who built her is on board they are invited to sit at the Captains Table.

At the table is an Immensely Wealthy,very Snobby Kelvinside lady and she regards the pair as
,Frightfully Amusing,.

"And Hev You Sailed On The Ship Many Times Before?", she asks, looking down her Snooty nose.

"NAW", says our wee man's wife", excitement in her voice, "This is oor furst time!".

"Oh I See", drawls the Kelvinside Lady."My Husband and I make this trip Four Times Every Year".

"Four Times ?,Every Year?", squeeks the wee workers wife,"How D'ye Manage It ?".

The Lady coughs politely and says very archly, "My husband works for Cunard You know".


"Well" spits out the wee workers Wummin,"My Man Works F###N Hard Tae,But We Dinnae Brag Aboot It HEN !!"..

 

Dear friends

​,​

One spelling mistake in a hurry can make your lif

​e, ​



I wrote a romantic message to my wife while I was away on a business trip and I missed an "e".

Now this mistake has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own

​ ​

house

​,​



I wrote,

"Hi darling I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her!

 

"Of course I wont laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional, in over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient".


"Okay Then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA Battery.

Unable to control herself,the Nurse tried to stop a giggle,but it just came out and then she started laughing at the fact she was laughing.


Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man,s private part,she composed herself as well as she could
"I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me, on my honour as a nurse and a lady it will not happen again",Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?".





"It's Swollen", Bob Replied. .



The Nurse Ran Out Of The Room. .

 

We've heard colleagues referring to people with "GUTS" or with "BALLS".
Do they,however, know the difference between them?.
Here is the official distinction: Straight from the British Medical Journal,volume 323,page 295.


'Guts' is arriving home late,after a night out with the lads,being met by your wife with a broom, and having the 'GUTS' to ask: "Are you still cleaning,or are you flying somewhere?".

'BALLS', is coming home late after a night out with the lads,smelling of perfume and beer,lipstick on your collar,slapping your wife on the bum and having the 'BALLS' to say,
"Your Next, Chubby.

I trust this clears any confusion.

Medically Speaking,
There is no difference in prognosis,

Both Are Fatal..

 

Good 0001 @shiney