A joke or two.

Here's a topical one:

A highly eminent English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm."

The English doctor is somewhat taken aback, but makes no comment and goes on to the next patient, who immediately launches into:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The English doctor smiles indulgently but still makes no comment. He continues on to the next patient, who sits up and proclaims loudly:

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the eminent Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay! Och, awa' wi' ye," the Scottish doctor corrected him. "This is the Serious Burns unit."

 

An Elderly man is stopped by the Police at 3am and is asked where he is going at this time in the morning.
The Man Replies," I'm on my way to a Lecture about Alcohol Abuse and the effects it has on the human body,as well as Smoking and Staying Out Late,".
The Police then ask, " REALLY ! and Who Would Be Giving THAT Lecture at this time in the morning" ??.






The Man Replies -------------------------------------------------"That Would Be My Wife".

 

I Was In Starbucks Recently, When I Realised I Desperately Needed To Fart.

The Music Was Really,Really Loud,So I Timed My Fart To The Beat Of The Music.

After A Couple Of Tunes I Began To Feel Much Better.

I Finished My Coffee And Noticed Everyone Staring At Me.

And Suddenly I Remembered:DOH:.

I Was Listening To My Ipod.

Lucky White Heather:pathead:.

 

ARRGGhhhh

 

(A WOMAN'S POEM)..

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One Who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call,not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self employed,
and when I spend,won't be annoyed,
pull out my chair and hold my hand,
massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me a queen,
a man who loves to cook and clean,
I pray this man will love no other,
and relish visits with my Mother.:WINK1:.

 

Three blondes while walking in the woods came accross some tracks and started arguing. The first blond argued they were 'deer tracks'. The second one said they were 'bear tracks' and the third argued they were 'lion tracks'.
They were still arguing when they were hit by the train.

 

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'




'For F*** sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

---------------------------------------------------------

 

A Woman gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She Rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,sweating and panting.
"What's Up ",she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack", cries the husband.
The woman rushes downstairs to grab the Phone,but just as she's Dialing,
her four-year old son comes up and says,
"Mommy ! Mommy !' Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet,and she's got no clothes on"!!!.
The woman slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough ,there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"YOU ROTTEN ******" ! she screams,
"My Husband Is Having A Heart Attack",


"And You're Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids !!!!!.

 

As I Was lying in bed watching the clouds go by,and pondering the problems of the world,I rapidly realised that I don't really give a hoot.
(1 ) If walking is good for your health ,the postman would be immortal !.

(2) A Whale Swims all day,only eats fish,drinks water, and is Fat !.

(3) A Rabbit runs and Hops ,and only lives 15 years !.

(4) A Tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, Yet it lives for 450 years !.

And They Tell Me To Exercise ???, I DON'T THINK SO !!

I'm Retired. Go Round Me :inautumnleaves:.

 

NEW TEETH.

A Pastor goes to the Dentist for a set of False Teeth,

The First Sunday After He Gets His New Teeth,
He Talks For Only Eight Minutes.

The Second Sunday,He Talks For Only Fifteen Minutes,
The Following Sunday, He Talks For 2 Hours 45 Minutes.

The Congregation Had To Mob Him To Get Him Down From The Pulpit,
They Then Asked Him"What Happened" ?.

The Pastor Explained.

"The First Sunday My Gums Hurt So Bad That I Couldn't Talk For More Than 8 Minutes",
"The Second Sunday My Gums Hurt So Bad That I Couldn't Talk For More Than 15 Minutes",

"But The Third Sunday I Put In The Wife's Teeth, By Mistake"

"And I Couldn't Shut Up":WINK1:.

 

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.


They were determined to make this a real vacation By not wearing anything that would identify them As clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed For a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' Nodding and addressing each of them individually, Then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store And bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' And started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

 

A motor cycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of
a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his
shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and
... take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a
question?"

The surgeon walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up,
wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I
open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I
finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary
and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically
the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...

Try it with the engine running. :D :D :D

 

An Attractive Blonde arrived at a Casino,she seemed a little intoxicated and bet Twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She Said " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely Nude"!.

With that , she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice,
and with an Irish Brogue yelled,"COME ON,BABY,MAMA NEEDS NEW CLOTHES"!!.

As the dice came to stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
YES! YES! YES! I WON, I WON ,I WON .

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The Dealers Stared at each other Dumbfounded,

Finally,one of them asked," WHAT DID SHE ROLL" ???.
The other answered, " I Don't Know - I THOUGHT YOU WERE WATCHING "!!!!!!.

_______________________ MORAL OF THE STORY--------------------------------------------

NOT ALL IRISH ARE DRUNKS.
NOT ALL BLONDES ARE DUMB.

BUT ALL MEN............... ARE MEN :WINK1:.

 

I thought cheetahs were supposed to do 70 miles an hour?

Man Steals Cheetah's Prey - YouTube

 

So did I, is this a trick film??

Val