A joke or two.

I certainly have to spend a Saturday evening reading these.

But here is my contribution.


Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -




Sinko De Mayo.

 

Aaarrrgghh

 

A Blonde woman pushing a pram with A bonny red headed baby in it,
Passing lady admires the baby and asks if his father has Red hair.
Woman answers--"Don't Know---never saw him without his hat on!".
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Woman pushing a pram with a big bonny baby in it.
Passer by admires the baby, and the woman says ,
"Yes He's Lovely--Bawls Like A Bull"
Passer by says - " Has He ?--I Mean--Does He?".

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(Q) What Are Steroids ?
(A) Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

(Q) What Happens To Your Body As You Age ?
(A) When You Get Old,So Do Your Bowels ,And You Get Intercontinental.

(Q) What Happens To A Boy When He Reaches Puberty ?
(A) He Says Goodbye To His Boyhood,And Looks Forward To His Adultery.

 

[True story alert]

Once on holiday on the island of Minorca (very nice and still remarkably Catalan despite years of tourism) we went on a coach tour of the island. The capital of Minorca is called either Mahon or Mao depending on whether you speak Spanish (in which case it's Mahon) or Catalan (in which case its Mao). The local tour guide, whose loyalties are with Catalunya rather than the Spanish state told us that Mayonaise was invented in Mao (Mahon) and the recipe was literally stolen from the Mayonaise housewives who'd kept it a closely guarded secret for generations since the rebellion against the English occupation when the sauce had first been invented.

That tour guide may well have been the most impressive producer of bovine manure I've ever met, but it was incredibly imaginative and entertaining

 

An elderly man in Western Pa. near Colver had owned a large farm for several Years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

​

 

I asked a mate of mine why he left the helium making factory, he said "I didn't like they way the spoke to me"

 

I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in,and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal information and then asked me what I had invented.
I said "A folding Bottle".
She said,"Ok, what do you call it?".
"A fottle".
"What else do you have?".
"I have also invented a folding carton."
Again she said "What do you call it?".
"A farton."
She sniggered and said,"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude".
I was sort of upset by her comment,so I grabbed the form and left without even telling her about my folding bucket.:WINK1:.

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred,'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs: 'Honey, pack your bags.I won the lottery!'
The husband said,
'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said.
'Just Get Out'

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters.....
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied,
'I know the Guy.'

 

Two Aussies ,Ferret + Knackers ,were adrift in a boat.
While rummaging through the boats provisions,Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a Genie.This Genie,however was a little different,he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three.
Without giving much thought,Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire Ocean into beer,make that Victoria Bitter".
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,and immediately the Ocean turned into Victoria Bitter,the Genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Beer on the Hull ,broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish had been granted.
After a long tension filled moment Knackers said,"Nice going Dickhead"!!
"Now We're going to have to Pi** in the Boat"!!!!.

 

Skeleton walks into a bar and says "Pint of lager and a mop"

 

A guy goes on vacation with his wife to Israel

Whilst there, she gets hit by a bus, and dies ....

The guy is told by the funeral director that he can bury her in Jerusalem for £500, or ship her body back to the UK, but that will cost £5000

he ponders for a moment, and says he will pay the £5000 to have her body brought back to the UK

the funeral director aske the guy why he insists on spending £5000 to have her body shipped back to the UK, instead of having her buried in the Holy land for £500

he replies:

'A while ago, a guy lived here, died, then came to life again a few days later....

I don't want to take that chance, so will pay the £5000 '

 

Coming back from an EC summit in Rome,various European leaders were forced to take the Train,due to a strike by ATC Controllers.
Sitting together in the same compartment travelling through the Swiss Alps,were Sarkozy,Cameron,Merkel, and a very attractive female Irish Foreign Minister.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a Loud Slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel,Sarkozy has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks,everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel Thinks: Sarkozy,not able to help himself,must have groped the Irish girl in the dark,and she slapped his cheek.

The Irish Girl Thinks : Sarkozy,not able to help himself,must have tried to grope me in the dark,but missed and fondled Merkel,and she slapped his cheek.

Sarkozy Thinks: WHY ME ?,That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish Girl in the dark ,knowing that I'd get the blame for it,and she slapped me--- That English B******!!!!!!!!.

And Cameron Thinks: I cant wait for another tunnel,so I can smack that Little French **** Again.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

 

Mrs Merkel flew into Athens and had the following conversation with the Immigration Officer at the airport:-
Nationality?
German.
Occupation?
No, just a few days.

 

A Gardening Tip.
A woman's Garden is growing beautifully,but the tomatoes wont ripen,
there's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it!.
So she goes to her neighbour and says,"your tomatoes are ripe,mine are green,what can I do about it?".
Her neighbour replies,"well it may sound absurd but here's what to do",
"tonight there's no moon,after dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off,tomatoes can see in the dark and they will be embarrassed and blush".
"In the morning they will be red,you'll see".
Well what the heck? she does it.
The next day her neighbour asks how it worked, "So-So", she answers,
"The Tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer".