A joke or two.

You can take this to work as well

LESSON NUMBER ONE

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
" Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung he reached the second branch.
Finally after a forth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey off the tree.

Moral: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

LESSON NUMBER TWO
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and come to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!!!

Moral:
1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is your friend.
3) And, whatever you do, when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!

 

Or this one.



Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

 

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot!?? Sinner!??
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... As ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside,
plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus!?? Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'