The Confessions Thread

I hope I get forgiven for this one - it was really comical at the time.......

The area where I lived (Dumfries) was plagued with seagulls - probably still is in fact - anyway, there were all sorts of stories flying about, about the antics of these gulls swooping and diving people out in the High Street and bursting bin bags and dragging their contents all over the place.

Anyway, one particular afternoon, I (stupidly) decided to get a poke of chips and sat by the river eating them; suffice to say, I was swooped upon and lost the vast majority of the poke of chips as I thrashed around trying to beat the blighters off.

A few nights later, I was at a friends house at a barbecue, and his house backed onto a disused aerodrome. The smell of food, not only from his garden, but that of the neighbours brought the gulls a-hunting, and they were circling overhead. So, we decided we would see how far we could throw bits of roll and watch the gulls fighting with each other.

This soon got boring, and one particularly gallus gull was getting ever closer, so I decided to feed his greed - with a pickled onion......... a BALTI pickled onion.

I threw it toward Mr Gull, and it didn't even touch the ground before he snaffled it - down the hatch pretty much whole as far as I could see.

He then flew down onto the concrete of the aerodrome, and I swear I could see his eyes widen; he opened his beak a few times, and then started scraping the sides of his beak on the ground! Before long he flew into a neighbouring garden and started drinking from and rolling about in their pond.

I'm pretty sure no harm was done, but I confess that it did feel like revenge for my stolen chips.

 

I have another whilst I am at it (on my third double double bacardi of the evening, so its a wee bit easier)

As a child, we partook in the 'sport' of knock 'n' nash as it was known, or chap door run as you may know it. Anyway, we got bored of that and decided to spice things up a bit.

One 'victim' in particular was a thorn in our sides - you know the type, the killjoy that shouts at you because you are making too much noise playing rounders in the park behind his house, or the one that won't give you your ball back when you accidentally kick it into his garden.

Anyway, we decided it would be a good idea to expand out current game, so I 'borrowed' a pair of Marigolds from the kitchen cupboard, and my friend brought a few old newspapers from his house. We the set about collecting dog turds, and wrapped them in the newspaper. Once we had enough, we set it on the doorstep of Mr Grumpy, put a match to it and once safely alight knocked the door and ran like hell to a safe distance........

Cue Mr Grumpy opening the door to be met with burning paper, which he promptly stamped out

I know, my place in hell is assured......