A joke or two.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on his shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed,drove up the kerb and stopped inches from a shop window.
After a moment of silence the driver said,"please don't ever do that again, you scared the living daylights out of me!".
The passenger shakily apologised and said.
"I didn't realise a tap on the shoulder could frighten you so much,"
to which the cabbie replied,"I'm sorry,it's not fault,this is my first day driving a cab".
"for the past 20 years I've been driving a hearse!".

 

An Irish Priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priests breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He Says, "Sir,have you been drinking?",
"Just water",says the priest.
The Trooper says,"Then why do I smell Wine?".
The Priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord ! He's done it again!"..

 

Four Lads had been going on the same fishing trip for many years.
This year ,Jim's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.

Two days later,the other lads get to the camping site,only to find big Jim sitting there with a tent set up.

"Well Jim,how did you talk your missus into letting you go"?.

"Well yesterday evening,after my wife finished reading 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' ,
she pulled me into our bedroom".
"On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! she told me to tie and cuff her to the bed,
and I did".
"Then she said," Do Whatever You Want."


"So, Here I Am" !!!!.

 

--------------------MEDICAL EXAMINATION-----------------------------------------------------

While examining his lady patient,the doctor tells her,
"You heart,lungs,pulse,bp are fine".
"Now let me see that thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble".

The lady started taking off her clothes--------
Doctor, stopped her----"NO NO! please put on your clothes,






"Just Show Me Your Tongue"..

 

On a train from London to Manchester an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy.you set yourselves apart too much.You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me---I'm me,I have Italian blood,French blood,a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood, what do you say to that ?".

The Englishman replied, "Very Sporting Of Your Mother "..

 

An Englishman,Irishman,And a Scotsman all locked up in a Foreign jail,facing the Firing Squad.
The Irishman gets asked "Any last Requests?",
He Replies,"I'd like a Thousand River Dancers Performing To Traditional Irish Music".

The Scotsman--"I'd Like A Thousand Bagpipers In Kilts Playing Amazing Grace".

The Englishman Gets Asked-----------.
He Says, "Bloody Shoot Me First" !!!.

 

I Was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realised that I could not find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife ,"where is the rake"?.
She couldn't hear me and shouted back,"What?".
I pointed to my Eye,then I pointed to my Knee, and made a raking motion.

My wife wasn't sure and said "What?".
I repeated the gestures,"Eye--Kneed--The Rake".

My wife replied that she understands and signals back.

First she points to her eye, next she points to her left breast,then she points to her butt,and finally her crotch.
well there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,
"What the hell was that?".

She Replies".---Eye--Left-- Tit-- Behind--The Bush"..

 

------------------------------SEX AT 83---------------------------------------------------------

I Just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
It Informed me that I can have Sex at 83 .
I'm Soooooooooo Happy,because I live at unit 81,
So it's not too far to walk home Afterwards .

 

---------------Things That Are Impossible To Say When Drunk------------------------------

(1) No thanks,I'm Married.
(2) Nope, No More Booze For Me.
(3) Sorry, But you are not really my type.
(4) A Pizza ?No thanks,I'm not hungry.
(5) Good Evening Officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?.
(6) Oh I Couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing Karaoke.
(7) I'm Not interested in fighting you.
(8) Thank you,but I won't make any attempt to dance,I have no coordination,I'd hate to look like a fool.
(9) Where is the nearest bathroom ? I refuse to pee in this parking lot,or on the side of the road.
(10) I Must Be Going Home Now,as I have to work in the morning..

 

--------------For People Of A Certain Age.-------------------------------------------------To Be Sung To The Music Of 'My Favourite Things 'From The Sound Of Music.

Botox and Nose drops and needles for Knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favourite Things.

Cadillacs and Cataracts,hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers Golf carts and Porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.


When the pipes leak,when the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
and then I don't feel so bad.




Hot tea and crumpets and Corn pads for Bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with Onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things .

Back pain,confused brains,and no need for Sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is Thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.




When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow Dim,
Then I remember the great life I've Had,
And Then I Don't Feel So Bad..

 

I'd not got so far with that one my friend.

"Little white Badgers with Pink Satin Tadgers,
Badgers that stayed on my nose and my nadgers."

 

My pet mouse, Elvis has died.

He was caught in a trap.

 

Chap Walks Into A Bar,The Barman Says,
"Is That A Steering Wheel Sticking Out Of Your Trousers?",
Chap Replies,"Yes It's Driving Me Nuts"..