A joke or two.

This guy stood on the side of the road in Leitrim, hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was wild and wet and no cars passed. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet in front of him. Suddenly out of the blackness he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only then to realise there was was no-one driving! But then the car started moving slowly at first, then started gathering pace. The guy looked out through the windscreen and saw a bend coming up; scared he started praying and begged for his life. Suddenly a white ghostly hand came through the open window and moved the wheel. The guy was rooted in terror to his seat and remained paralysed as every time a bend came up, the same ghostly hand would come in through the window and move the steering wheel!

When a straight bit of road came up, he gathered his strength, got out of the car and ran towards the nearest town. Soaking wet and in shock he ran into a pub and asked for a double whisky. He started telling everyone around him about the ghostly car and the horrible experience he had just gone through. The whole pub went silent when they all realized that the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

A few minutes later, two guys walked into the pub and one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's the idiot who climbed into our car while we were pushing!"
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And there I was, in the pub. And there was this old man and woman sitting in the corner and they were each served a bottle of lemonade. This was a long time ago, mind you. When people drank lemonade. Don't see that now. All lager louts now.

Anyways, he pops off the cork and there an almighty explosion and the cork hits the ceiling! He screams "Oh! My God! I've been shot!"

His wife retorts with "Pity you weren't!"




And in the same pub, a few years later. This pub, mind you, had no toilets then. When you wanted to go, you went out the back.

Anyway this local character goes out the back to relieve himself and in the yard, Stacia, the landlady kept a few geese.

Back in from the yard he comes screaming "That gander almost took off my pecker!" Quick as flash, Stacia retorts "What YOU have wouldn't choke him!"
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Well, there was my old friend Socks McNamara drinking in the bar. Drinking in the bar all day, mind you!

So Socks looks out of the window and sees a fairground opposite and one of the stalls is a rifle range. “I know,” says Socks, “I’ll have a go at that.”

So he goes across the road, goes up to the rifle range, gives his money to the stallholder and then BAM! BAM! BAM! He gets three bull eyes! The stall holder is a little shocked but gives out a prize anyway.

After another hour or so in the bar, Socks looks out the window again and fancies his chances on the rifle range again. He staggers out of the bar, across the road. BAM! BAM! BAM! Another three bull eyes! The stall holder, a bit taken aback at the state of Socks staggering all over the place, gives him a second prize.

Another hour or two pass and Socks fancies his chances again. He’s well and truly sozzled now. He goes out of the bar, falls down the steps, picks himself up and then crosses the road with car horns blaring all over the place while he weaves from side to side.

He goes up to the stall holder, pays his money and, well, the stallholder can’t believe it. Socks is totally unable to stand up straight but BAM! BAM! BAM! He gets three more bull eyes. The stall holder says, “I’m sorry I’ve no more tortoises as prizes but would this giant teddy bear do instead?” “What!” says Socks, “I thought they were steak and kidney pies!”
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And there I was down in West Limerick, visiting my old friend Connie.

Connie had this story to tell.

He'd invited some friends of his from Amerikaaa over. To fill in one of the days, after one of the Amerikaaaans had suggested he liked shooting, Connie asked his next door neighbour, a big farmer with a herd of thoroughbred Limousins, if they could shoot on his land.

"No problem," said his neighbour, "and while you're at it, could you put a bullet through that poorly looking cow over there. I don't think he'll last the week and it would be better to put him out of his misery." Connie agreed.

Next day they all assembled in the field next door to begin their day's shooting. Connie suddenly remembered the farmer asking him to put the sickly cow down so he picked up his gun and put a bullet through the poor thing.

Next thing, bang, bang, bang! and in a cloud of smoke, 11, very expensive, superb, prized Limousins went down, shot by his American friends!!!!!!!

 

And that reminds me..................

This pure true now!................

A friend of mine who was a priest out in Seth Africa.........South Africa to you, madam..........was telling me this story. And it's pure true!

A guy used to collect patients from a mental hospital near Durban and take them to other nearby mental hospitals in a minibus.

He collected about 10 patients this particular day but the hospital he had to take them to was a long way away and he got thirsty along the route.

He stopped outside a small shebeen beside the road, checked that his patients were securely locked inside his minibus and went inside.

An hour later he came out to find.........What was this? The patients had managed to undo the lock on the passenger door of the minibus and were gone! Nothing to be seen of them!

Now he was in a real quandary. He'd lost his patients and would also probably loose his job. He was in a right mess.

So he drove off, pulled up at the next bus-stop and let 10 people on and drove without stopping to the hospital with the passengers locked inside the minibus. He ran up the steps of the hospital, said his cargo had given him a lot of trouble en-route and that they would need extra help shepherding the patients into the hospital. About 20 nursing staff came out and bundled the protesting passengers into the hospital.

It was 3 days before the passengers could convince the hospital staff that they were not really mental and should be released!

 

Travellers' wedding. This is pure true!


A wedding occurred, just outside the town. Everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."

The courtroom goes silent and Whacker (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agreed and asked Whacker to take the stand. Whacker began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Travellers' wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK."

"Well," said Whacker, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must have hurt!"

"HURT??? HURT???" said Whacker. "He broke three of my fingers."

 

Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the moo poo out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the moo poo out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Jack McH

 

A Large woman,wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar in Dublin .

She raised her right arm,revealing a huge ,hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,"What Man Will Buy A Lady A Drink?".

The bar went silent as the Patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar,
an Owl -Eyed Drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give The Ballerina A Drink !!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman Gulped it down.
She turned to the Patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same Hairy Armpit and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?".

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give The Ballerina Another Drink !!!".
The bartender approached the drunk and said,"Tell me Paddy,it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina?".

The Drunk replied.
"My God Lad, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a Ballerina!".

 

Don't step on the Ducks !!

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.

Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
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How smart is Your Right Foot ? ?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will
boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you
can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY.....) and
while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift
your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing
you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the
day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
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Very old lady says to her husband ..I would like to try out a new position tonight.
I want to lie on the sofa








and you can do the hoovering.

 

I disguised a party popper as one of my wife's tampons tonight. I realised we she pulled the string she didn't have a sense of humour whatsoever.

 

Sorry Kindred, but that's a real oldie. Listen in:-

 

After a long perilous expedition from England, across the Arctic circle, finding the actual North Pole and perching myself on top of it, whilst slowly forcing the pole into my arsehole, that I suddenly realised that the whole world was revolving around me...

Then I realised that if I was from America, a similar feeling would come naturally, and with much less effort.