A joke or two.

A lady whose native language was Chinese was banking in Singapore. The bank clerk was an English speaker.
She was seeking an explanation for her observation that there appeared to be fewer dollars in her account than she expected.
The teller tried to explain that rates of exchange sometimes varied. "Fluctuations" he said, hoping that this explanation could help.
She replied: "Well fluck you white people too." And she left in a huff.

 

Late one Saturday night, I was woken by my phone ringing. In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I said hello. The party on the other end paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mum, this is Susan, and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a puncture, but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tyre just went flat while we were inside the cinema. Please don't be mad, ok?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry, dear," I replied,"but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Gosh, Mum,"
came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

 

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

 

Got caught having a p in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly that I nearly fell in.

 

I've finally found something my girlfriend's bum doesn't look big in.

The distance.

 

"I work as a distribution and marketing executive within the print based media, with a very highly diversified clientele in a busy, urban, metropolitan environment,"

Sounds a lot better than "I sell the Big Issue."

 

Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims.

It would have been more convincing if he'd used a plane.

 

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the
ungrateful sods.

All I said was, 'Hurry up for goodness sake ........... Some of us have got
homes to go to!'

 

Before Obama Was Elected President He Went To See Bill And Hillary for some Campaign Advice at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea,he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his Personal Bathroom.
When He Entered Clinton's private toilet he was Astonished to see that Clinton had a solid Gold Urinal !WOW!.

That Afternoon,Obama told his wife,Michelle,about the urinal.
"Just think", he said,"When I am President I too could have a gold urinal,but I would not have something so self indulgent !".

Later,when Michelle had lunch with Hillary,she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact,in his Private bathroom, Bill had a golden urinal.

That evening when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill,

"I found out who piss*d in your Saxophone."!!!.

 

Lovely fireworks display.

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20090416_newfrontierdemolition.wmv

 

loved that kindred

 

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.

Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.

He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled.

He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

 

Prince Harry Says to the Queen,"I say Nanny,I cannot find my Personal Packet of Biscuits -- Have You Seen them?".

The Queen says, "No Dear, I'll ask your Grandfather".
"Philip,have seen Harry's Ginger nuts ?".


Prince Philip replies," I think the whole World has seen them by Now Liz" !!.

 

A couple in bed together on the morning of their Tenth Wedding Anniversary.

The Wife says ,"Darling,as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession".

"Before we were Married I was a Hooker for Eight Years".

The husband ponders for a moment and then he looks into his wife's eyes and says,
"My Love,you have been a perfect wife for ten years!!,I cannot hold your past against you,maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit"?.







She said " I don't think you understand !!!
"My name was Brian and I played Rugby for Wales"----------.

 

Working girls.