A joke or two.

My wife said, "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of womens knickers in your coat pocket?"
I said, "Yes I can.....it's because you're nosey"

Rusty

 

The pope went 2 Northern Ireland he asked Paddy what he thought of County Down he replied its been rubbish since Carol Vorderman left

Rusty

 

I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good, I'm glad I've got his support."

 

I'll not go into why I got there but I thought this link fitted the thread:-
http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/sports/sports_colemanballs.htm

A bit of gentle humour!

 

I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.

I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.

 

Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, "Have you ever been out with a fat girl before?"

"No, you're the first," probably wasn't the best response.

Rusty

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, home made muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

 

----------------------------THE CREDIT CRUNCH.-------------------------------------------------As you will have seen many businesses have been forced to amalgamate in order to survive the credit crunch.

Before anyone considers an investment please be aware of the following mergers.

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace will merge as----- Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Zippo Fasteners, Audi Motors, Dodge Cars and Dakota Mining, will merge as --------

Zip Audi Do Da..

 

I had my first taste of the credit crunch this morning.

As I sat down to Lidl own brand corn flakes.

 

This bloke was telling a girl in the pub about his uncanny ability to guess
the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then ... try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience. "Come on,"
she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

He took his hands from her chest and replied, "Yesterday?

 

A Group of golfers were approaching the first tee ,when they noticed a Woman being given first aid.

One of the golfers asked what had happened,and he was informed that the Woman had been stung by a Bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit ?",he asked, "between the first and second hole",was the reply.

He then replied "WOW, She must have been standing right over the Hive !!!!".

 

Little Emily went home from school and told her Mum that the Boys Kept asking her to do Cartwheels, because she's very good at them.

Mum said,"You should say NO, they only want to see your knickers".

Emily Said, "I know they do",

"That's Why I Hide Them In My Bag"!!!!!!!.

 

Statistics show that 25% of women are on medication for mental illness.

That's bloody scary.........it means 75% of them are running around with no
medication at all!