A joke or two.

Recently, on a holiday flight I overheard the flight Attendant talking to an elderly couple in front of me.
Learning that it was the couple's 50th Wedding Anniversary, the flight Attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It All Felt Like Five Minutes-----", the gentleman said slowly.
the flight attendant had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was,
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head


"underwater"!!..

 

As I was lying in bed watching the clouds go by,and pondering the problems of the world,I rapidly realized that I don't really give a hoot,It's the Tortoise life for Me..

(1) If walking is good for your health,the Postman would be Immortal !!.

(2) A whale swims all day ,eats only Fish,Drinks water, and is Fat !!.

(3) A Rabbit runs and Hops and only lives for 15 years !!.

(4) A Tortoise doesn't run and does nothing,yet it lives for 450 years !!.

And they tell me to Exercise !!!!, I don't think so !!.

I'm Retired, Go Around Me.

 

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards,forward,then backwards again, back and
forth,back and forth........in and out...in and out.


Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally
exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.................



















"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f!!!!!! car! You do it, you SMUG *******!"

 

All Gardeners' Corner Folks,

If you are interested in getting an iPad I can get hold of them through a
contact. These are straight, not off the back of a truck. They are from a
cancelled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks.

The numbers are limited - I have twenty iPads going for less than half
price so it's first come first served.

I have already sold one (pic is attached below so you can see what you are
getting).

Get back to me as quick as you can if you want one.
Full spec as below...........

Click here to buy iPad,[/URL]

 

Oooh what a fantastic Chrimmy present idea Kindred. I won't be greedy - just a couple please,
Jenny

 

what about the "kindlespirit"...who needs a book wen you've got him!

 

"I'm going out to scrape the car," said my wife this morning.


"Against what?"

 

I was on the phone trying to arrange a time for Sky to set up my TV.
When I asked them when they'd be round, the only response I got was "I'm sorry sir but I cannot specify a time, we'll be there between 8 in the morning and 5 in the afternoon.....can we have your credit card details please?"
"Yes, the first digit is between 1 and 7" I replied.

 

I've just picked up my copy of the 'Chelsea FC Official Calendar 2013', it's got a different manager for every month.

Rusty

 

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles last night.My next s@@@ could spell disaster.

Rusty

 

Freddie Flintoff isn't the first person to do a sport he's not used to...

For instance Fernando Torres has been having a go at football too.

 

"What are you watching?"

"Loose Women."

"Who's on this week?"

"They haven't stopped moaning, so I'm guessing all four of them."

 

( The Scottish Christmas Fairy).

I am a little Fairy
On tap o' the Christmas Tree
it's no a job I fancy
well how would you like tae be Me?.

Am tarted up wi' tinsel
it's enough to mak ye boak
an a couple o' jaggy branches
rammed up the back o' ma froack.

An wi'aw these lights a'roon me
i canna get my sleep
an' there's the yearly visit
fae Santa-Big Fat Creep !.

On Christmas day i'm stuck up here
while your aw 'wirin in
an naebody says "Hey You Up There
could ye go a slug o' Gin ".

It's nae joke bein' a fairy
the job's beyond belief
ye go roon and roon the Bairnies beds
an' lift their rotten teeth.

But o 'a' the joabs a fairy gets
an i've mentioned only some
the very worst is up a tree
wi' pine needles up yir bum.

When a' the fairies meet again
by the light of the silvery moon
ye can tell the Christmas fairies
they're the wans that canna sit doon.

The Christmas tree's a Bonny sight
as the firelight softly flickers
but think o' me,am stuck up here
Wi, needles in ma knickers !.

So soon as Christmas times right by
an 'a stop bein' sae full o' cheer
i'll get awa back tae Fairyland
An' Ah'll see yous a' Next Year..

 

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
Oh, the sight filled me with dread.

In her hand she held a rope,
The other, held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn't weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Couldn't be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer .

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, see,
You'd know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit ​

and, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left t*t.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one"

Well reader, I can tell no more
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

Anon.​

 

THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the
chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never
invited back.