A joke or two.

So the world is set to end on December the 21st. In which case, we will party hard and i shall leave this world as I entered it:
Unable to walk, speaking complete gibberish and having a go on some girl's knockers

 

A Chav kid was giving me cheek today, so I thought I'd ruin his Christmas.


I told him, "Santa isn't real. Your Dad puts your presents out."


He looked at me blankly and said, "Who?"

 

I've been to a lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport... you have to be
driven there. I've made several trips.

 

A young nun was having a shower in the Convent,when there was a knock on the door.
"It's The Blind Man",said the voice",and I've got something important to ask you".

Thinking it's ok to open the door to the Blind Man,she opens the door and asks,
"Yes What Is It"?.

"Nice Boobies",says the man-------"Where do you want these Blinds Hung"??..

 

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do,to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,sexy,seductive and invincible.




No----------Wait--------Sorry,













I'm Thinking Of Whisky-------It's Whisky That Does All That Shi* !!!.

 

Golden Eagle misses lunch.

 

'I went to the zoo the other day, they had only one animal, a dog...


...it was a Shih Tzu'

 

Don't tell me you still have those naff sheepskin seat covers in your car?

Go Porcupine! Porcupine is the way to go!

http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=6&products_id=11

 

They would have made a good christmas presant for someone i know,wished i'd known sooner

 

For those of you who are left-handed and have difficulty in sourcing left handed screwdrivers, I've found a source for you.

http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=13&products_id=51

You can buy me a pint for finding this for you!

 

Next rounds on me then Kindred

 

When old friends meet

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since secondary school.

They rediscover each other via a Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old work shirt, jeans and flip-flops. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving secondary school and graduating from Oxford with a master's degree in Classics, she met and married Tim, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a mews house in Kensington, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the south of France.

Sue relates that she graduated from Medical School at Cambridge and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a Goldman Sachs investment banker. They live in Mayfair and have a second home in the Bahamas.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a rare bird sanctuary in South Mimms and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really an assistant at Asda. They live in a small flat in Peckham and share a caravan in Southend.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both care assistants in a retirement home. They live in Reading and take holiday camping trips to Wales.

Mary confesses and says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

Apparently a true story.

The Rockhampton Morning Bulletin reported that, due to the flooding, there were 30 thousand pigs in the Dawson river.

The next day they apologised and admitted the piggery owner had said
30 sows and pigs