A joke or two.

My wife and I were looking round Curry's when she said "Come on, help me choose a new dishwasher." I looked around and said " OK, how about that one over there with the big chest"

Rusty

 

( PART ONE).

(A Lot Of Non-Living Objects Are Actually Either Male Or Female).

(1) Freezer Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

(2) Photocopiers: These are Female, because once turned off,it takes ages to warm them up again.

(3) Tyres : Tyres are male,because, they go bald easily and are often over Inflated.

(4) Sponges: These are Female,because they are soft,squeezable and Retain Water.


( To Be Continued)..

 

(PART TWO).

(1)Trains: Definitely Male,because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

(2) Egg Timers: are Female because over time , all the weight shifts to the bottom.

(3) The Remote Control: Female, Ha,Ha ,

You probably thought it would be Male,but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which button to push, he just keeps trying !!!!!...

 

After years of calling for the destruction of Britain and compulsory Islam for Europe, radical cleric Abu Qatada was arrested today and remanded in custody.

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, 'He went too far this time. His wheelie bin was over-full and the lid wouldn't close.'

 

Statistics show that 25% of women are on medication for mental illness.

That's bloody scary.........it means 75% of them are running around with no
medication at all!

 

Because of the severe weather conditions in the UK at the moment the
Government has issued this warning. Anyone travelling in snow or icy
conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing
including a scarf, hat, and gloves, 24 hour food supply 3 ltr drinking
water, de-icer rock salt, flash light, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol
can and a set of jumper cables. I looked a right pregnant fish on the bus this
morning!!!

 

-----------------------SCOTTISH FRUITCAKE RECIPE---------------------------------------.
You require the following:
1 Cup of water.
1 Cup of Sugar.
4 Large Brown Eggs.
2 Cups Of Dried Fruit.
1 Teaspoon Of Salt.
1 Cup Of Brown Sugar.
Lemon Juice.
1 Cup Of Nuts.
1 Bottle Of Whisky.

Sample The Whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl,check the whisky again,to be sure of it's Highest Quality.
Pour one Level cup and drink,Repeat,Turn on the Electric Mixer.

Beat One Cup of Butter in A Large Fluffy Bowl.
Add One Teaspoon of Sugar and Beat Again.

Make Sure The Whisky Is Still Okay. Cry Another Tup.
Turn Off The Mixer, Beat Two Leggs and Add To The Bowl,
and Chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the Tuner,
If the Fired Druit Gets Stuck In The Beaterers, Pry It Loose With A Drewscriver.

Sample The Whisky to check for Tonsisticity.
Next, Sift Two Cups of Salt,or Something, Who Cares ??.

Check The Whisky, Now Sift the Lemon Juice and Strain Your Nuts.
Add One Table. Spoon . Of Sugar or something, Whatever you can find.

Grease The Oven,Turn The Cake 350 Degrees,Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw The Bowl Out The Window,
Check The Whisky Again, And Go To Bed.

Who The Hell Likes Fruitcake Anyway,????????.

 

_GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY_
>>
>> Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
>>
>> A penny saved is a government oversight.
>>
>> The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
>> the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
>> tempting moment.
>>
>> The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
>> your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
>>
>> The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
>> replacement.
>>
>> He who hesitates is probably right.
>>
>> Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'
>>
>> If you think there is good in everybody, you
>> haven't met everybody.
>>
>> If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
>> blame.
>>
>> The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
>> he's really in trouble.
>>
>> There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
>> it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
>> wrinkles don't hurt.
>>
>> Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
>> together it spells 'Theirs....'
>>
>> Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
>> your age and start bragging about it.
>>
>> The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
>>
>> Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
>> to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
>> the roads weren't paved.
>>
>> When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
>> think of Algebra.
>>
>> You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
>> leaks.
>>
>> One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
>> such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful,
>> but being old is comfortable.
>>
>> Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth .
>> . . . . . . . . AMEN

 

Rusty

 

Why I Owe My Mother .... **************************************

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ...

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

But, there is one missing from this list . . . . My personal all time favourite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE .

"Do you want me to stop this car?"

 

Chris Huhne and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce have just been sentenced to 8 months each today for perverting the course of justice.

Chris was seen asking his ex-wife immediately after if she would do the sentence for him.

 

On a Beautiful Summer's day two American Tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysitio gogogoch.

They stopped for Lunch.

One of the Tourists asked the waitress,

"Before we order,I wonder if you could settle an argument for us",

"Can you pronounce where we are,Very,Very,Very,Very Slowly?".


The Girl leaned over and said,












"Burrr------Gurrr-------King"...

 

Chris Huhne's ex-wife has been sentenced to 8 months in HMP Holloway.

Their women's football team must be pleased. Now they've got a new proven penalty taker!

 

You've got to feel sorry for Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce.
The one minute, spending a life of lavish luxury, not really wanting for anything, all at the tax payers expense...

...the next minute, they'll be back out of prison.