A joke or two.

Two old men were Talking.

"So How's Your Sex Life?".

"Oh Nothing Special, I'm Having Pension Sex".

"Pension Sex?".

"Yes You Know,I Get A Little Each Month,But Not Enough To Live On"..

 

------------------------------.AN AFFAIR.--------------------------------------------------------.

A Mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of a Mr Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the Largest private part he had ever seen !..

"I'm sorry Mr Schwartz", the Mortician said,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part,it must be saved for Posterity", so he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

"I Have Something to Show You,You Won't Believe it," he said to his wife,
as he opened the briefcase,





"My God !" The Wife Exclaimed,









"Schwartz Is Dead !". .

 

Doctors have warned that up to a thousand people in Britain might still die from the human form of Mad Cow Disease.

Don't these guys watch the news? The panic's over. No-one in Britain has ever actually eaten cow meat.

 

A Glaswegian walks into a chemist shop in Stockholm and a Beautiful Blonde Swedish
Lady, behind the counter enquires in slightly accented but flawless English, as to how she can help him.

"Ahm Lookin Fur Sum Deoderant Doll" He says.

"Ball or Aerosol?" She Says.

"Naw" He Says, "Ah Jist Want Some Fur Mah Armpits"..

 

When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful
life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied:
"Because women don't have wives!"

 

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture & watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

 

" I'll Teach Her for forgetting MY Lunch"

"Here Is The Drink You Didn't Order Madam".

 

A Wife went to see a Therapist and said,


"I've got a problem Doctor,"


"Every time we're in bed my husband Climaxes,he lets out this Ear Splitting Yell".


"My Dear", said the Shrink,

"That's completely natural," I don't see what the problem is".


"The Problem Is," she complained






"It Wakes Me Up !"..

 

During A Recent lovemaking session,and tired of a listless Sex Life,

the man came right out and asked his wife.

"How Come You never tell me when you have an Orgasm ?".

She glanced at him and replied,






"You're Never At Home"..

 

A Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a cricket bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the Bodies Groaning, she goes into the Kitchen to get a Drink.



As she enters she sees her husband sitting there, reading a Magazine.

"HI DARLING", he says.

"Your parents have come to visit us , so I let them stay in our Bedroom,

"Did You Say Hello ?",