A joke or two.

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

 

Q. How do a group of penguins make a decision?
A. Flipper coin

Q. Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
A. Cos he wanted to get into snow business

Q. What do you call a happy penguin?
A. A pen-grin.

(See if you can guess what chocolate coated treats wife, lad and I are having).

 

I was at an orgy chatting to this woman when she said 'This is my first time, I really don't know what to do'.

I said 'Just act normally it's pretty easy to do'.

'O.K... **** off I've got a headache'.

 

God has been watching Adam with a heavy heart. The garde of Eden had everything Adam needed, or so he'd thought, but now he realised something was missing. He gave it some serious thought for quite some time, before calling down to Adam and having a chat thusly:

God: Adam, I've been thinking. I realise now that you are missing something. I have a proposal for you. I will create a companion of unimaginable beauty, who will honour you and respect you, obey you, fulfil your wildest desires and give you greater pleasure and joy than you ever dreamed possible. She will care for you and serve you. She will prepare the finest meals for you and serve them with the finest wine, always with a warm smile. She will warm your slippers for you, and your bed, and you will want for nothing more, for as long as you live, for she will fulfil all your fantasies and desires.
Adam: Sounds great God, is there a catch?
God: I'm afraid so. This is a challenge even for me, and I will need to something from you. I will need one arm, one leg, one eye, half of your intelligence.
Adam: Hmmm, sounds expensive. What can I get for a rib?

 

My thoughts are with the unfortunate people of Gibraltar just now.

Stuck between a rock and a hard-up place.

 

ADHD, Tourettes, Autism

They were just known as council house kids when I was young

 

(You Can Tell A Lot About A Woman By The Way She Walks).

If she sways her hips from side to side, She is good in bed.

If she takes small steps, she is Unadventurous.

If she is Tiptoeing away from you,

She Has Your Credit Card !!!!..

 

(GETTING OLD IS A TERRIBLE THING)..

This Morning I went Upstairs then forgot Why .

I Went back down to try and jog my memory ,

That's when I S*** Myself . !!!!!.

 

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help
you?"
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a
man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way
with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he
had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the
Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from
his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

 

Nearly 80% of all animals on earth have six legs.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and
purple.


The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in Berlin Zoo.

Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther
if it is thrown west.

Right-handed people live, on average; nine years longer than left
handed people.

Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

Larry Lewis ran the 100-yard dash in 17.8 seconds in 1969, thereby
setting a new world's record for runners in the 100-years-or-older class.
He was 101.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.

Half the foods eaten throughout the world today were developed by
farmers in the Andes Mountains (including potatoes, maize, sweet potatoes,
squash, all varieties of beans, peanuts, manioc, papayas, strawberries,
mulberries and many others).

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

I'll leave it to someone else to check out these facts.

 

Rosalia Mera, Spain's richest woman, has died.

In her will, she has left almost twenty-five Euros.

 

Two eggs were in bed about to make love when the male puts on a crash helmet.
"Why are you wearing that?" asks the female.
He replies "The last time I got this hard, I got a belt of a spoon on top of my head"