Regrets that people make on their deathbed

From a palliative care nurse.


For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Any comments? No. 2 definitely applies to me, I know. :( :(
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Very thought provoking.
I can certainly relate to No 2....

 

Interesting. I am good with them all. In fact, I love not conforming to "what the norm" is ! And I know one has to find their own "joy/happiness" no one else can, or should be responsible for that emotion, but you should not keep people in your life that tear down your joys. As far as friend, I think some "friendships" run their course. And, many people are not really friends but acquaintances, there is a difference.

 

I think No.5 depends on what life dishes out to you. Often we think we are making the right choices bit they turn out to be devastatingly wrong!! Without a crystal ball to see what lies ahead, happiness cannot be a choice!!

Val

 

well there is the old saying "Its how well you played the cards dealt to you". Because of my cards, I know I am not a great risk taker, my moves are calculated well. But true even with that one can miss the signs, as with my first husband, but love was my joker.

 

I wonder how many people said they wished they'd lived in the 'here and now'. I constant think many, many steps ahead, which in a way has served me well so far, enabling me to always get by even in tough times, but I am all too aware of how fast my sons are growing and I wish I could get my head out of the future so that I could better enjoy all the potential fun to be had now.

 

If i'm true to myself i can honestly say that there are parts of all 5 questions that apply to me...i've always put others before myself whether i'm pleased about it or not and done what i feel has been expected of me even though i've never had pressure put upon me....it's just the way i'm made
I'm grateful for what's been before and what's to come but i do have a tendency to put obstacles in my own pathnowt as queer as folk eh

Kindred...food for thought

 

Aww, Val. With all due respect, we'll have to agree to disagree on this point.

No matter *what* life dishes out to you, you still have a choice on how you view/interpret it.

Even if we make, what we trust (ourselves) to be the "right" choices, if they unfold to appear to be "devastating", they are not necessarily "wrong". Maybe, what we thought may appear "right", could simply be a reflection of our own youth/naivety/lack of sound judgement/experience/foresight/ability to distinguish? And, in many cases, all will prove to be a learning curve to some degree or another. And, in most cases, much will depend upon our own ability to see the good (or otherwise) in our given circumstances, under our given choices available at the time.

In other words: no matter which choices we make, and no matter how "devastating" those choices may appear to be, at the time, we *always* have a choice over how we view them!

Certainly (and I have no doubt I am not alone!), there have been choices I have made in my life which have not turned out quite as fortunate, motivating, inspiring, or even as "happily" as I would have preferred (or, indeed expected!). And, while I refrain from going into deeper detail, suffice to say it is not the circumstances which dictate how I *feel* or how I interpret them, it is my state of mind!

Yes, of course I feel the spectrum of human emotions that everyone feels should a choice I have made turn out not as I had anticipated/predicted/hoped, or even, the low ballers life throws at us when we least expect it (thus, have made no conscious choice at all!): resentment, bitterness, jealousy, frustration, anger, rage, "why me?", how dare they, what right(?), life's not fair, yadda, yadda and so on!!

The whole point is: we all have a choice on how we (ultimately!) respond to any of those circumstances!! We can choose to remain angry/bitter/jealous/resentful/persecuted/singled out/ etc., and no one should judge if that is how we are wired to think/feel. Yet, there is always an alternative.

My life is not "perfect" (who's - actually! - is?). There are things I would wish different (if wishes were horses, beggars would ride! ). But, despite many an "experience" in my life, which could well be described as "devastating" in some peoples mind set, (and most certainly NOT of my choosing or even the privilege of "choice") I choose to reflect upon those times as learning curves (experience). Those times I may have made a choice with negative consequences, in the initial stages? Yes, I felt the full gamut of emotions: however, with time and reflection, I also put those down to experience and make a rational CHOICE *not* to put myself in purgatory ad infinitum: but, to LEARN from those times, and move forward in my life. That is a conscious choice *I* make.

I know I am not perfect (tick!)
I know my life is not perfect (tick!)
I know I have made decisions in my life which, given a re-run, I may well have done differently! (tick!)
I do know there are things which have invaded my world, which should not have done (in a perfect world , and have given me a good, long, pause for thought (!) Nonetheless, those were the trials/learning curves which only I had to face and overcome. And could ONLY be overcome if I could make myself be objective about them!

I KNOW that I am the woman I am today because of those trials and tribulations ... but, most importantly: how I VIEWED them and OVERCAME them. Those were my own choices, Val: how I chose to perceive and reflect upon them

I am happy

Not rich in monetary terms; not flourishing in health terms; not without "sin" (in religious terms); not without a regret (or three); not without a ghost, or two, in me cupboards either. But, I am at peace with myself!

I am happy in my own skin and I take full responsibility for my choices, my responses and my actions

Yes of course there are times when I am challenged (to the hilt, sometimes!) However, I choose to be happy: regardless! The alternative would be such a DRAG and self-defeating!!

 

You, my friend, are GC's "eternal optimist" Wise Owl, indeed!

 

Yes, we do have choices. But some things exposed too muddies up the clear water which may hinder making good choices. Its only until you realize that you need to swim out of the muddy water to clear water do you make the best choices for yourself.
Some can see beyond their "norm" and know there is better out there for them, some cannot.

 

An interesting analogy, coincidental because it reminds me of a couple of Facebook posts I made when I nearly cracked up a few months back and did a sequence of things that, on the face of it, seemed highly daft (although I knew they were essential and its paid off).

having resigned from a perfectly good job that I hated and that was sapping my mental strength, with a new baby on the way, a mortgage to pay, debts, and no alternative employment lined up, I realised the impact of what I'd done. My Facebook status went something like this:

"Have you ever set off swimming from the beach, and before you know it the water is no longer clear and warm, but black and cold, and you realise you've swam too far to go back?"

Followed a few days later by something like "but then you spot a nice little island, you're not out of the water yet but you can see the beach once again".