A joke or two.

A Man in Scotland calls his Son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says:

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are Divorcing",
"Forty Five Years of misery is enough".

"DAD, What are you talking about?", the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer",the Father says".
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically the Son calls his sister, who EXPLODES on the phone,
"LIKE HELL THEY'RE GETTING DIVORCED", she shouts,
"I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS!!!!".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at the Father.

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING DIVORCED, DON'T DO A SINGLE THING TILL I GET THERE"
"I'M CALLING MY BROTHER BACK,AND WE'LL BOTH BE THERE TOMORROW,UNTIL THEN DON'T DO A THING, DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!". and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his Phone and turns to his wife.








"SORTED!!!!!!, They're Coming For Christmas And They're Paying Their Own Way

 

This morning, driving on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW doing 75 Mph with her face pressed up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily..but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand and, in all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee cup between my legs, which splashed, and burned "Tiny Tim and the Twins".

This ruined the meat pie, the phone, the coffee, soaked my trousers, disconnected an important call and caused me to miss the obvious speed trap up ahead.
BLOODY women drivers!

 

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English man and Irish Man driving in the country.

"Look at that flock of cows in that field" says the Irish man.
"Herd of cows" says the English man
"Of course I have, there's a flock of them in that field" he replies

Rusty

 

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from all the bloody skippin'

 

Queen Elizabeth II letter to the US citizens

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.

5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.

8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).

17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.

Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......

Scouser went to court accused of shagging a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!.

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.

I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!

A bit un-PC but if you can't have a bit of humour, what the hell!

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

 

The British Penny

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny'
is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.

 

Vraiment très drôle ...! Je vous laisse en juger.
True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyser test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*Ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... A corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... And (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

 

Two Married Men are out drinking one night,when one says:,

"I don't know what else to do,whenever I come home after we've been out drinking",
"I turn the headlights off before I get to the Driveway".
"I turn the engine off and coast into the Garage".
"I take off my shoes before I go into the House",
"I sneak upstairs",
"I get undressed in the Bathroom",
"I ease into Bed",
"And my wife still wakes up and yells":

"And What Time Do You Call This?"!!!!..

His Mate looks at him and says,"Well you're obviously taking the wrong approach".
"I screech into the Driveway",
"Slam the door, Clatter up the stairs",
"Chuck my shoes against the wall",
"Jump on the Bed",
"Slap my Wife's A***, and say" Hows about of Rumpy Pumpy",

"And She Is Always Sound Asleep"!!!!!..

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink,
I drop the cyanide capsule in
and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live
and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

In A Supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming bellowing Baby.

The Gentleman kept repeating softly,"Don't Get Excited,Albert",
"Don't Scream, Albert",
"Don't Yell, Albert",
"Keep Calm ,Albert".

A Woman standing next to him said,
"You Certainly are to be Commended for trying to soothe your Son , Albert".

The Man looked at her and said:,








"Lady I'm Albert"..