A joke or two.

Phil A · Nov 24, 2013

kindredspirit said: ↑
Queen Elizabeth II letter to the US citizens

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.

5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.

8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are moo poo and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).

17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your cooperation.
Click to expand...

So tempted to re post this on the American Gardening forum, but I suspect if I did, i'd no longer be a moderator there in the morning

Phil A · Nov 24, 2013

Zigs said: ↑
So tempted to re post this on the American Gardening forum, but I suspect if I did, i'd no longer be a moderator there in the morning
Click to expand...

Oh, what the hell, i've done it anyway

It's like that big red button that says don't press

Phil A · Nov 24, 2013

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=9644

music · Nov 24, 2013

Jenny namaste said: ↑
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink,
I drop the cyanide capsule in
and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live
and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Click to expand...

J N. We almost clashed there !. I was just about to post the same Joke.
Is it great minds think alike ?,What are the odds of that Happening in the same Hour..

shiney · Nov 25, 2013

Zigs said: ↑
So tempted to re post this on the American Gardening forum, but I suspect if I did, i'd no longer be a moderator there in the morning
Click to expand...

I've sent it to a load of Americans

kindredspirit · Nov 25, 2013

Zigs said: ↑
Oh, what the hell, i've done it anyway
It's like that big red button that says don't press
Click to expand...

Well? What's the reaction been? Don't keep us in suspense. Copy and paste.

Phil A · Nov 25, 2013

Not a single "like" so far

Pursuant to the request of the Queen of England, and in a desire to be compliant, today I drove on the left side of the street. I got a ticket. To whom shall I contact to air my grievance?
Click to expand...

I would suggest you send your grievance, in written form, to DVLA (Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency) in Swansea.
Unless you are under three years of age, you are unlikely to receive a reply in your lifetime, and so can cheerfully dismiss it from your worries.
I'd suggest you travel to Britain to deliver your letter personally, but Her Majesty's Passport Office acts with similar haste, especially if you have planned a Mediterranean holiday.
Click to expand...

music · Nov 25, 2013

A Teacher asks the class for a Sentence with ' Contagious ' in it.

Little Annie puts up her hand,and says:

"I had Measles last year, and my Mum said it was Contagious".

"Very Good",says the Teacher,"Anyone Else?".

Wee Jimmie puts up his hand and the teacher says: "Go Ahead Jimmie".

Jimmie Says:

"My Dad says the man next door is going to paint his House with a 2 Inch Paintbrush!!!!!".

"And My Dad Says",

"It Will Take The Contagious".

music · Nov 26, 2013

A Chemist walks back into his Shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's Wrong With Him?", he asks the the Assistant.

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any ,so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxatives",
replied the assistant.

"You Idiot", exclaims the chemist,

"You Can't treat a cough with Laxatives",

"Of course you can" replies the Assistant,

"Look At Him, He's Too Scared To Cough"..

Phil A · Nov 26, 2013

Jenny namaste · Nov 27, 2013

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:"Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back:"Computer completely buggered now.

music · Nov 28, 2013

Paddy thought his new Girlfriend Might be The One..

But after looking through her Underwear drawer and finding a Nurses Outfit,
A French Maids Outfit,
A Police Woman,s Uniform,
He Finally Decided.

"If She Can't Hold Down A Job",

"She's Not The One For Me!!!!!". .

music · Nov 28, 2013

Two Prostitutes work shifts in a House.

One works Mornings and the other Afternoons.

One Day, the Afternoon Girl arrives and asks the Morning girl if she's been Busy.

"BUSY", She replies----

"If Iv'e been up and down those stairs Once, I've been a Hundred Times!!!!".

The other say's Sympathetically-----.

"OH !!!!, YOUR POOR ,POOR ,POOR FEET!!!!!".

mowgley · Nov 29, 2013

The Scottish national party have said that If Scotland gets independence it will want the following.

To keep the Pound
To keep the monarchy
To keep BBC programmes.

That's like divorcing the wife but telling her you'll be home for tea at night and still expect sex.

mowgley · Nov 29, 2013

I told the missus she has a lot in common with my cigarettes.

"Is it because I calm you down and you're addicted to me?", she asked

I said, "No. You're costing me a fortune while you slowly kill me."

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A joke or two.

Phil A Guest

Phil A Guest

Phil A Guest

music Memories Are Made Of This.

shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

Phil A Guest

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

Phil A Guest

Jenny namaste Total Gardener

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

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A joke or two.

Phil A Guest

Phil A Guest

Phil A Guest

music Memories Are Made Of This.

shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

Phil A Guest

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

Phil A Guest

Jenny namaste Total Gardener

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

A Joke Or Two 2023/24

A joke or two.... 2022

A joke or two.... 2021

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