A Joke or Two... 2014

Find your old school photograph here.

http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/

P.S. It takes a little time for it to come up. (if it's been recorded on the data base.)

 

Well I fell for it, in fact I was disappointed!!

 

So I see that Tony Blair has won Philanthropist of the Year at the GQ Awards, seeing off tough competition from Kim Jong Un, and ISIS

 

A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.

Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mum.

 

An Elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years .
He had a large pond in the back, beyond a small grove containing Orange, Grapefruit, and Lime trees..
The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables and horseshoe courts.
One evening ,as he hadn't been there for a while, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women, skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
"Clear off you Dirty Old Man"
"We're Not Coming Out Until You Leave!!".

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or to watch you getting dressed",
Holding the bucket up he said:, "I'm Just Here To Feed The Alligator"..


Some Old Men Can Still Think Fast..

 

"I'm having a few drinks to remember my Irish mate who died yesterday," I told the barman. "He wanted to reduce his carbon footprint, so he decided he was going to cycle to work."

"What happened?" He asked. "Did he get knocked off his bike?"

"No. He drowned." I explained. "Paddy worked on an offshore oil rig."

 

A Husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £130 to £300, the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally he opts for the most sheer item,pays the £300 and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks,' I have an idea, it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing:::::, I wont put it on,but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the £300 refund for myself!!.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband say's,
"Good Grief!!! You'd Think For £300 They'd at least iron it".


He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Thursday at noon, closed coffin..

 

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house...

So I divorced her and took the house.

 

Luton Airport evacuated as 'suspect package' found.

A Police spokesman stated the small leather bound item turned out to be a British passport

 

(Today On The Radio).
Today On The Radio they stated that Scots,especially Glasgow, Swear more than the rest of the UK..

Personally, I Don't @#$%^NG believe it. .

 

We went to see the red arrows today. There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hours entertainment, but in the end my wife finally managed to park the car.

 

Can you solve this question?







What? You can't?!?!




But kids solve it in under 20 seconds! You can't?






What's wrong with you? Can't you think or what?





Do you want me to show you the answer?





OK. Here it is.

 

My Wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

Blessed are those who can give without Remembering,
and take without forgetting.

The Irony of life is that,
By the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going Anywhere.

Frustration is trying to find your Glasses,
without your Glasses.

God made man before Woman,
So as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one..

 

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with the endearing terms such as : Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
"I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your husband all those loving names",

The elderly lady hung her head, " I have to tell the truth to you", she said,
"his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old git what his name is "..

 

Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his Mother he's arrived?