A Joke or Two... 2014

( Chinese Sick Day).

Hung Chow calls into work and says.
"Hey I no come work today, I Sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt,I no come Work".

The Boss says," You know something Hung Chow I really need you today,when I feel like that I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex, that makes everything better and I go to work, you try that".

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"I do what you say, I feel great, I be work soon,--------------- you got nice house ".

 

The CEO:
The lawyer says to the CEO: "I have some good news and, I have some bad
news."
The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer says: Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she
figures are worth a minimum of £2 million.
The CEO replies enthusiastically: Well done, very good news indeed! You've
just made my day; now what is the bad news?
The lawyer answers: The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary.

 

Two elderly residents a man and a woman were sitting alone in the lobby of the nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said,"I know just what you are wanting, for £5 I'll have sex with you over there in that rocking chair".
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued,"For £10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for £20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes starts digging down in her purse she
pulls out a wrinkled old £20 note and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?, says the old man.


"Get serious Casanova, I'll go for the four times in the rocking chair", she replies. .

 

(Children Writing About The Ocean).

(1) 'This is a picture of an Octopus it has eight Testicles '.(Kelly Age 6).

(2) 'Oysters balls are called Pearls'. (Jerry Age 6).

(3) 'A Dolphin breaths through an ass hole on top of it's head'.( Billy Age 8).

(4) 'When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the Ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.'
My brother said they would have been better off eating beans'.( William Age 7).

(5) ' When you go swimming in the Ocean it is very cold and it makes my willy small'.
(Kevin Age 6).

(6) ' On vacation my mum went water skiing ,she fell off when she was going very fast'.
She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her ass'. (Julie Age 7)..

 

(Claude The Hypnotist)..

It was Entertainment Night at the Senior Citizens Centre..

Claude the Hypnotist explained:
"I'm here to put you into a trance, I intend to Hypnotize each and every member of the Audience"..

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat." I want each of you to keep your eyes on this Antique watch, It's a very special watch,
"it's been in my family for Six Generations"..

He began to swing the watch gently Back and Forth while quietly chanting ::::::::,
"Watch the Watch, Watch, Watch , Watch ,Watch".

The crowd became mesmerised as the Watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's
polished surface.

A Hundred Pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until , suddenly, the chain broke:::,

It slipped from the Hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,breaking into a hundred pieces..

"Sh*t " ! said the Hypnotist.




It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre




Poor Claude Was Never Invited Back..

 

Jimmy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show .

"OOOH", said the Presenter ,
"This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last Century,do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition ?"


"Sticks", said Jimmy..

 

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

 

Superman was talking to a friend and telling him all about his latest Adventure,after his being to the 'Superheroes Convention along with all the other top Heroes,Spider Man, Iron Man, etc,etc.

Superman said."I was flying home from the Convention and I spotted this woman Sunbathing on a roof top,she was absolutely naked, I thought,"I'll have some of that, I zoomed down to give her some Fun"!!!,

"HA!, I bet she was Surprised !!!!! said his friend.







"Not half as much as the Invisible Man!!", was the dry reply..

 

You'd want to turn this up to full size to appreciate. (Click box in lower right hand corner.)

 

The trouble in the Garden of Eden wasn't the apple on the tree but the pear on the ground.

 

Incredible, I love these video's where the dogs respond to what the human's expect!

 

Looking at that one of the worlds largest dog...............God Amber takes up too much room on my bed now..............so no bigger!