A Joke or Two... 2014

And it is still the same after another 44 years

 

I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.

It's rubbish.

Everything is either underground or overground!

 

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho'!


(Runs for cover.)

 

I hate it when it snows.

It makes my neighbours gardens look as good as mine.

 

I used to love it when the first snow of winter fell, i'd go running up to the door and bang on it while shouting "Mum, Dad, you know the deal......

Let me in."

 

Sorry, I know this is a joke thread, but this reminds me of a true story that happened to me once.

I'd planted a load of spring bulbs one year, and they were just coming up when we got a late snow covering. My mam had come through for a visit. This was when we still lived in Sheffield so it wasn't a quick visit, she had time to build a snow man. She had got up much earlier than wife and I, and the inner child in her had seen the snow, and driven her to build a snowman before we got up. She was really pleased with herself by the time I came downstairs, and looked out at my now snow free garden, snowman in the middle of the lawn, and bare patch of soil where the spring shoots had been the day before. As she'd rolled her giant snowball around the snow to make the snowman's body, she had unwittingly hoovered up all my new spring flowers that were just emerging. I actually found some of them several days later as the snowman started to melt. I never had the heart to tell her what she'd done.

 

The man who helped to create Via gra has been given a knighthood in the New Years honours list.

Which just goes to prove what a fine, upstanding member he is in the community.

 

I just bought a ticket to a Prince themed new years eve party, cost me £20 but i'm gonna party like it was £19.99

 

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):



1 ... For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2 ... Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3 .... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.



4 ..... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5 ...... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.



6 ....... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.



7 ........ The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.



8 ......... Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



9 .......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



10 .......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.



PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customerservice" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

 

A computer programmer was flying a hot air balloon over the countryside when he spotted someone down below looking lost. So he let the balloon down, and spoke to the man on the ground.

'I'm lost', said the man on the ground. 'I haven't brought a map or compass with me and I have no idea where I am'.

'You're right there', replied the programmer.

'You idiot. That doesn't help me at all. I bet you're a computer programmer' said the lost man.

'How do you work that out?' asked the programmer. 'You seem to be completely incapable of understanding what I'm really asking you. It seems I have to go to the effort of telling you exactly what I want, and you can't be bothered to decipher my what I really mean. These are traits of a computer programmer, and I'm still lost', replied the man.

'I bet you're in middle management', replied the programmer. 'That's correct', replied the man, surprised, 'but how do you know?', he asked. 'Because you've set out on an exercise without making any preparation, you've realised its all going wrong, you've failed to communicate clearly what you want, and yet despite all this, you've made me feel like its all my fault that you're lost'.