A Joke or Two... 2015

An elderly man goes into a House Of Ill Repute and tells the madam he would like a lady for the night.
Surprised she looks at the old man and asks him how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old", he says.
"90", replies the woman,
"Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh sorry", says the old man,

"How much do I owe you?"..

 

Orchis italica

 

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk,there is a section for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says,"I have two questions,
"Why did the Russians Take Crimea?,
"And why are we sending troops to Ukraine"?.

Putin says," Good Question--------", but just as he is about to to answer, the bell goes , and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back,they sit back down and there is room for some more questions.
Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,
"I Have Four Questions, my questions are ",

"Why Did The Russians Invade Crimea ? ",
"Why Are We Sending Troops To Ukraine ? ",
"Why Did The Bell Go Twenty Minutes Early ?".

"And Where Is Little Sasha ?". .

 

A chap got on a bus and both his trousers pockets were bulging.
He paid his fare and sat down next to an old lady, who spent several minutes staring at bulges in his trousers.
The chap said,"It's ok love It's golf balls".

After a few minutes of deep thought the old lady replied:

"Is that as painful as Tennis Elbow?"..

 

One day little Susie was helping her dad in the garden weeding.
She suddenly looked down and saw two Daddylonglegs mating.
She stood looking on for several minutes and said to her dad;
"Daddy, what's the name of the insect on top?", he looked and said,"That's a Daddylonglegs".
Then Susie said,"What's the name of the insect on the bottom?".
Her Dad looked again and answered,"That's also a Daddylonglegs".

Susie stood up, and for a long time she gazed at the insects then stomped on them both and said,


"We're Not Going To Have Any Of That Nonsense In Our Garden!"..

 

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an Aeroplane,he turned to her and said,
"Lets talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just opened her book,closed it slowly and said to the total stranger,
"What would you like to talk about?".
"Oh I don't know", said the congressman, how about Global Warming or universal health care" , he said smugly.
"Ok ",she said, those could be interesting topics,however, let me ask you a question first .

"A horse, A cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff---------Grass, yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass, why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator visibly surprised by the little girls intelligence thought about it and said,
"Hmmmm, I have no idea", to which the little girl replied::::

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss Global Warming Or Universal Health Care when you

don't know sh*t ?".

 

The Parking Ticket
Working people frequently ask us retired people what
we do to make our days interesting.
Well, for example, just the other day my wife and
I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a--hole . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Bev called him a s--t head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our
age.

 

An Indian Chief and his lackey visit a big hotel for the first time.
When they get to the room the chief tells the lackey to go and get him a drink of water,which he does.

A short while later he tells him to get him another drink of water, which he does.
The chief asks the lackey to get him a third drink of water, the lackey returns and says,


"Cannot Get Water Chief ",

"White Man Sit On Well". .

 

I was in the pub last night with the missus and I said " I Love You ".

She said " Is that you or the Beer Talking?"

I said,

" It's Me Talking To The Beer"..

 

I Agree mowgley, a great likeness .
But I think the best parts that Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon played was in the first Shrek Movie. Alex played Shrek, Nicola played Princess Fiona . Look On Line to see the likeness. . I Like Wee Jimmy Krankie..