A Joke or Two... 2015

Anyone here got a manual for a wife?
















Mine's making an awful whining noise.



(Runs for cover, very fast.)

 

Texas police have raided the homes of the two terrorists who attacked the cartoon contest in Dallas. They found a stash of

20 AK47s
10 Uzi 9mm machine pistols
2 Rocket launchers
And a quantity of various side arms including 3 0.5 Desert Eagles

A spokesman for the Dallas police force said "I am shocked, never in my 25 year career as a law enforcement officer, have I ever encountered a domestic residence with so few firearms inside"

 

"The new Royal baby weighs 3.7kg"

"What's that in pounds?"

"About £3 million per year for the taxpayer"

 

Hmmm...

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says."He's decomposing."

 

Well, one day St. Peter heard the bell ringing at the Pearly Gates. He went out and there he saw 30 people outside from the Gorbals. Stunned, St. Peter didn't know what to do. He'd never seen anyone from the Gorbals before at the Pearly Gates. A bit confused, he thought he'd better go and ask God first before he let them in.

So he goes in and tells God there's 30 people from the Gorbals outside, wanting to come in.

God, in his wisdom, said to St. Peter, "Go back out and tell them 10 can come in and 20'll have to go below as the balance in Heaven will be all wrong." Satisfied St. Peter goes back out to the Pearly Gates to give them the news.

2 seconds later he rushes back into God shouting "They're gone! They're gone!" "What?" says God, "The people from the Gorbals are gone?"

"NO!" says St. Peter, "The Pearly Gates! the Pearly Gates are gone!"

(With apologies to my Scottish friends.)

 

Have a good laugh.

 

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain poles.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.



Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband.........they even took the curtain poles!

 

I've never played golf, but my friend tells me that this is version 2 Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.





1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.



2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.





4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole..



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.





7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage player’s equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.





10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.



11.. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.



12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.






13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.



14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owner’s request.



15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...

 

Appalling case in Liverpool this week. :( :( :(

• Inspectors found toys in appalling conditions at the house in Liverpool

• The toys had been kept in squalid conditions by Raymond Coll, 66

• Mr Coll initially denied he was the owner and claimed he was a burglar

• Officials also found a large number of teddy bears that had not received a cuddle in 2 years

A pensioner kept 18 teddy bears, five Kermit the Frog dolls, three Furbys and other toys living in squalid conditions and refused to allow the RSPCT (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Toys) to inspect his home.
But when inspectors did manage to enter the house they found a total of 26 toys, all deprived of cuddles living in appalling conditions in Hunts Cross, Liverpool.
The house belonged to Raymond Coll, 66, who claimed he did not live at the property but was actually a burglar looking for things to steal while the owners were away.
However, it later emerged that he had lived at the property with his wife for 16 years and had even shoved a female inspector out of the door and locked her out at one point.
Liverpool Magistrates' Court heard that RSPCT officers were alerted by a concerned member of public, who was actually John who lived next door, to the presence of toys being kept in dreadful conditions.
They discovered three Furbys without any batteries in the spare bedroom, which was littered with building materials. Officials also found a large number of teddy bears hidden in cages in a small utility room and in dark cupboards without cuddles or love.
Speaking in court, RSPCT inspector Samantha Showering revealed the property was 'very untidy and unkempt'.
There were large amounts of household waste and building materials scattered around but she also said there was no sign of any building work taking place at the property.
Inspector Showering added: 'It was a hazardous environment not suitable for toys.'
She told The Telegraph: 'There were toys all over the place.'
'They seemed to have gone to great lengths to make cubby holes to hide them away in.
'It was very chaotic and not a suitable environment for any toy to be living in.
'This case was the largest number of toys I have ever seen in one place.'
The RSPCT said they were called to the home in August last year by next door neighbour John and since then, all the toys have been signed over to them.
District Judge George Smith found Mr Coll guilty of six offences under the Toy Welfare Act, including failing to meet the toys' need for a suitable environment.
Mr Coll, who failed to appear in court, was also found guilty of failing to meet their need for a cuddle, love or Double A Duracell batteries.
Judge Smith said he was satisfied the offender had a connection with the property and that he was simply not an innocent burglar as he first claimed.
He is due to be sentenced on June 12 and a warrant will be issued for his arrest if he fails to appear in court.
All the toys have since been re-homed at an undisclosed Merseyside branch of Toys 'R' Us.
Mr Coll was found guilty in his absence of six counts of failing to meet the needs of 26 toys all contrary to section 9 of the Toy Welfare Act.

• Failed to meet the needs of five Kemit the Frog dolls by providing a suitable environment.

• Failed to meet the needs of three Furbys by providing a suitable environment

• Failed to meet the needs of 18 teddy bears by providing a suitable environment

• Failed to meet the needs of seven toy soldiers by providing an equal amount of enemy toy soldiers to engage in a make believe battle

• Failed to protect 11 Hot Wheels racing cars by not completing the building of the flat pack racing track

• Failing to provide a constant supply of AA power cells to the appropriate toys listed above

 

An emergency call centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a Male caller Rang 999 from a mobile phone stating:,
"I am depressed and lying here on a railway track".
"I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet my God"!


Apparently, :Remain calm and stay on the line was not considered to be an appropriate response.