A Joke or Two... 2015

The wife left a note on the fridge:.
"It's not working I can't take it any more, I've gone to stay at my mothers"!.

I opened the fridge, the light it came on, and the beer was still cold .

What The Hell Is She Talking About? . .

 

It's a little known fact that there is a contract between Almighty God and Satan that covers the maintenance of the Pearly Gates.
One day God summoned Satan and said to him,
"You know, I just walked past the Pearly Gates and I noticed that they are looking shabby,you need to start upholding your end of the contract and maintain the Gates in the agreed manner or I am going to have to initiate Legal Proceedings against you".

This caused Satan to convulse in maniacal laughter, and after several moments he was able to gasp out,


"Where are YOU going to get a Lawyer?". .

 

(Headstone of Russell. J. Larsen.).

(His five rules for men to follow for a happy life are at the bottom).


(1) It's important to have a woman who helps at home,cooks from time to time,cleans up,and has a job.
(2) It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
(3) It's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie to you.
(4) It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.


(5) It's Very,Very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up

dead like me. .

 

I have just had a very long and stressful week and I do believe that I laughed all of the stress away when I watched this.

Thank you!!!

 

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the barman's pouring it
the cowboy looks about him. 'Where is everybody?' he says. 'Gone to the
hanging,' says the barman. 'Hanging?' says the cowboy.

'Who they hanging?'

'Brownpaper Pete,' replies the barman.

'Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?'

'Well,' says the barman. 'His hat's made of brown paper, his shirt's made
of brown paper, his jacket's made of brown paper and his trousers are made
of brown paper.' 'Really?' says the cowboy. 'What they hanging him for?'

'Rustling!'

 

And God Looked Down.........
Most Seniors never get enough exercise,
In his wisdom God decreed that seniors became forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good,then God saw there was another need.

In his wisdom he made Seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend ,reach and stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will and it is all in your best interest. .

 

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shiteing in the bed!"

 

(THE DESTINY OF MAN ) . By Broffessorlongphd..

The Horse and Mule live thirty years,and nothing know of wines and beers,
The Goat and Sheep at twenty die, with ne'er a taste of Scotch or Rye.

A Cow drinks water by the ton, and at eighteen is mostly done,
The Dog at sixteen cashes in, without the aid of Rum or Gin.

The Cat in Milk and Water soaks, and then in twelve short years it croaks,
The modest sober Bone-Dry Hen, lays eggs for Nogs then dies at ten.

All Animals are strictly dry, they sinless live and swiftly die.

But some Sinful Ginful Rum soaked men survive for three score years and ten,

But some of us ,the lucky few, stay pickled till we're ninety two. .

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A Piece of useful information. .

Never Under any circumstances take a Laxative and Sleeping Pills on the same night...

 

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency ,when I was in Shanghai.
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and I asked for her mobile number,so I could call her to make arrangements .

She got excited and said:

" Sex Sex Sex,Wan Free Sex For Tonigh".

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality !
But then my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said::::::










666136429 !. .

 

Tesco.....every little helps!!

 

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered their house.
The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said,
"I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them,what is your name?".

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said,"You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you".
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked,"What is your name"?.

"My name is Philip",




"But my friends call me Elizabeth". .