A joke or two - 2016

Guess the nationality.



American?


Spanish?


French?


Brazilian


Italian?





All wrong....... POLISH!



Don't believe it?



Okay, take a look...

 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

 

I Went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.
I Went to the main desk to sign in and the Lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal information and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, " A Folding Bottle"
She said,"okay, what do you call it"?.

I said," A Fottle ".

"What else do you have"?,

"I have also invented a Folding Carton".

Again she said,"What do you call it"?

"A Farton".

She sniggered and said,"Those are silly names for products,and one of them sounds rather crude".


I was sort of upset by her comment so I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about,




'My Folding Bucket'. .

 

A Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes into the kitchen to get a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband sitting there reading a magazine.


"Hi Darling", he says .




"Your Parents have come to visit us,so I let them stay in our bedroom",






"Did You Say Hello"?. .

 

Dai proposed to Megan and it had been accepted," but ", added Megan, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life".
"No",said Dai, "I wont hear of it ,you can tell me after we're married".

After they were married and set off on their honeymoon,
Megan again brought up the subject of her 'Dreadful Secret'.
"No", said Dai," it can wait, tell me when we are in bed together,that will be soon enough"

That night as they got into bed Megan declared, "Well Dai now I really do have to tell you my secret, you see, I'm A Virgin".

Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mothers house.
"Dai", said his mother,"What are you doing here ? You,re supposed to be on your Honeymoon".

"It,s no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan, it turns out she's a Virgin".

"Well Dai,", said his mother," In that case you were quite right to come home",



" If She's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you" ..

















.

 

A Father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to try it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some school work",
The robot slaps the son.

The son says "ok, ok, I was at a friends house watching movies"
The dad asks,"what movie did you watch?"

The son says," Toy Story".

The robot slaps the son.
Son says,"ok,ok, we were watching Porn".

Dad says," What? at your age I didn't even know what Porn was,
The robot slaps the Father.

Mom laughs and says, "well he certainly is your son"

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

 

A young boy had just received his driving licence,he asked his father, who was a minister,if they could discuss the use of the car. The father took him to his study and said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you, you study your bible and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the use of the car".

After about a month the boy came back again and asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car.

They again went into the fathers study where his father said,"Son I'm sorry to say no but,
although you've studied your bible diligently ,you didn't get your hair cut!".

The young man waited a moment and replied,"You know dad I've been thinking about that".
"You know I've been reading my bible and noticed that Samson had long hair,Moses had long hair,Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair"--------

To which the father replied,









"Yes, and you also have noticed that they walked everywhere they went !!". .

 

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a bloke with a knife sneaking through my next door neighbours garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly .
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it up.

Totally astonished and a bit shaken, I got back into bed.
My wife said,"you're upset, what is it"?.

"You'll never believe what I've just seen", I said.


"That son of a bitch next door is still using the shovel I lent him last year"..

 

(Which Of The Following Names Are You Familiar With?).

1. Monica Lewinski.
2. Tony Blair.
3. Robert Mugabe.
4. Jorge Bergoglio.
5. Winnie Mandela.
6. Vladimir Putin.
7. Linda Lovelace.
8. Sepp Blatter.

You Had Trouble With Number 4 ?.




Typical, you know the Criminals, Murderers, Thieves, Sluts Liars and Cheats,



But You Don't Know The Pope !..

 

(Confession).

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the Ministers wife,can you hold him in church for an hour after the service"?.

After the service, Mike starts talking to the Minister,asking him all sorts of stupid questions just to keep the Minister occupied.

Finally the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Minister.

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".

The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says--------------,







"You Better Hurry Home, My Wife Died A Year Ago ". .

 

Seen in Walmart

 

Dear Abby .

My Husband and I just celebrated 40 years of marriage, but he hasn't worked for the last 15 years.
All he does is gets dressed in the morning and hops into his fancy car to visit his friends .
He's cheated on me many many times, I know because he brags about it to me.
He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive champagne day and night.

We sleep in separate bedrooms because he's always telling me he knows I am a lesbian.

Should I clobber him with the frying pan, or should I leave him Abby ?.
Your advice would be appreciated ,

Mad As Hell.


Dear Mad As Hell-------

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any man.
I suggest you pack your bags and move out A.S.A.P. !

Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan.
Try To Act Like A Lady !

Remember-----



You're running for President of the United States, So try to act like one..

 

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:: Honey,My Love,Darling, Sweetheart, Etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room,her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
"I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call your husband all those loving names".

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth" she said,
"His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old boooger what his name is . .

 

The man who invented predictive text has died.
His funfair is next monkey.