A joke or two - 2016

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried
out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started
injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"
----------
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet, and says, "Ayup, lad, I need to
talk to thee about me cat."
The vet says, "Is it a tom?"
The Yorkshireman replies, "Nay, I've browt it wi me."
-----------
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have
a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
He says, "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
The jeweller asks, "D'ya want it 18 carat?"
The Yorkshireman replies, "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

The last is always the best ...........

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell
ar se cream?"
The chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

 

An Aeroplane was about to crash, there were 5 passengers on board,but only 4 parachutes available.
The first passenger, Holly Madison said,"I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy,so Americans don't want me to die,she took the first Parachute and jumped from the Plane.

The second passenger, John Mc Cain, said, "I am a Senator and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit from the United States Of America",so he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump said," I am going to be the next President of the United States,I am the smartest man in our country and I will make America great again". So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger ,Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger,a 10 year old schoolgirl,
"I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could,I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute".

The little girl said, "That's okay Mr Graham, there's a parachute left for you, the smartest man in America took my school bag". .

 

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
tattoos.

 

A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way
of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9.00 PM in the
evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting
there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say:
'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the
cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00 AM they are both
still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter
comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid
your colleague who has left."
And then the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

 

How many cows?
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.


AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU

 

A New York attorney representing a very wealthy Art Collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"So listen,already,Saul,I have some good news and I have some bad news.
The art collector replied,"I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first".
The lawyer said," well I met with your wife today,and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures, that she thinks will bring in a minimum of $15.2 Million, I think she could be right".
Saul replied enthusiastically.
"Well Done ! My Wife Is A Brilliant Business Woman, you've just made my day".
"Now I know I can handle the bad news, what is it ?".


The lawyer replied,

"The pictures are of you and your Secretary". .

 

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

 

( Young People Have Theirs ,Now Seniors Have Their Own Texting Codes).

ATD------------------------At the doctors.
BFF------------------------Best friends funeral.
BTW-----------------------Bring the wheelchair.
BYOT----------------------Bring your own teeth.
DWI------------------------Driving while incontinent.
FWIW----------------------Forgot where I was.
GGPBL---------------------Gotta go,pacemaker battery low.
HGBM----------------------Had good bowel movement.
IMHO----------------------Is my hearing aid on.
OMSG----------------------OH MY! sorry,gas.
TOT------------------------Texting on the toilet.
WTFA----------------------Wet the furniture again.
MONP----------------------Middle of night pee.






Hope These Help. GGLKI,( Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In). .

 

A Wife went to a sex therapist and said,"I've got a big problem doctor".
"Every time my husband climaxes he lets out this big yell and a loud groan".

"That is nothing unusual,that's quite normal,I don't see what the problem is", said the doctor.

"The problem is", she complained,"It Wakes Me Up"..

 

(WORKERS WANTED).

Bricklayers, Plasterers, Joiners, Labourers required for very large contract,many years employment.
Security Guards will be required for long term employment after contract is completed.

The contract:: To build a wall bordering America.

Please Apply To:: Hadrian, Antonine, Donald, Trump..

 

Big People Words.

A group of nursery school children were trying to become accustomed to the first grade,the biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on 'NO Baby Talk' .
"You need to use 'big people words'" she would always remind them.

She asked James what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana".
"NO, You Went To Visit Your Grandmother, Use Big People Words!".

She then asked Charles what he had done.
"I took a ride on a Choo- Choo ".
She said,"NO, You Took A Ride On A Train, Use Big People Words !".

She then asked little Peter what he had done, "I read a book ", he replied.
That's Wonderful !", the teacher said, "What book did you read ?".

Little Peter thought about it then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,





"Winnie The S**T ". .