Basic etiquette am I right or wrong

I have brought this up with Zig's many times, and am now at the end of my tether
We are in our late sixties
My BIL turns up (sort of invited) at all major holidays and summer holidays

He has lived alone since he left school, Uni and a Lawyer

He has finally accepted that smoking in the home is not allowed but smokes in his allocated bedroom

He sits with us in the sitting room, then goes and makes HIMSELF a cup of tea or coffee and comes back with his tea and a plate of biscuits, Not asking if anyone else would like something

He emptied the whole fridge of free beer, never putting in a penny towards it (24 cans)

Slammed the fridge door shut as he had eaten the whole cheese board and my wife had not replenished it, complaining that she should know he likes Edam and Lincolnshire crumbly not Cheshire along with not enough Danish Blue

Then started on the bottles of wine, ranting he drinks Red and only white was in the fridge and went in the Huff but drank it all anyway

He again offers nobody anything but likes pickles, though has not the man strength to open the jar so used our best kitchen knives to stab the jar top breaking the tips of the knives

Made himself several what he thought was Bovril (only it was cadburys chocolate) so threw it all out and started on the real Bovril drink

He is generous with Christmas presents but has no idea, he bought my 18 year old grand daughter a wedding dress (she has just started Uni)
My daughters (40 ish) ballroom gowns (They are working Mum's)

Myself he bought me four Gardening encyclopedia's all identical except by the author

He then rants at me that SNP is the only way and (I) the English should shut up and go home

Now I have confronted my wife, who says well as he has no Mum now he treats this as his HOME and would I not do the same at my mothers house NO I WOULD NOT

I just do not know where to go from here

Jack :-(

 

Totally unexceptable behaviour, & may I just say I think you are the most patient person I know, I totally understand you being at the end of your tether.

I cannot understand (from a women's point of view) why your wife puts up with it either! Ok I understand that he's not got he childhood home to go to but that doesn't mean he should treat your home as he does.

I think personally you need to speak to your wife & make it clear that he's behaviour is totally unexceptable & that you've had enough of it! Make it clear that you will say something if she doesn't! You don't have to be nasty you just have to highlight that his behaviour & lack of etiquette will no longer be tolerated.

Maybe next time he's coming over you could ask him to bring some beer/wine/cheese etc.

I had my family over yesterday 2 didn't turn up....but hadn't let me know! They were 1hour & 15 mins late. One turned up straight out of his stinken pit of a bed & hadnt washed his hair/teeth/face & had dirty jeans on! Mother (has only been allowed in this house twice, long story) she thought she could prance around in her shoes...we don't wear shoes in the house, my niece had head lice (apparently her hair had been treated for this) my mum used my hair brush on her hair, now I can't use that brush until I've treated it just Incase, My uncle put his cup on my carpet. My niece didn't have any shoes on she turned up in slippers, went out to the hen run across the wet muddy grass straight in the house across the carpet....I shouted! I try really hard to tolerate everyone & be nice but it's so hard when we are so different. I cannot tolerate disrespectful behaviour, I feel your pain Jack & believe me it's not just your BIL! I hope you are able to get something sorted.

 

Next time he appears have a list of jobs that he must help you with and start on one immediately. If you're canny enough about it he'll leave quickly.

 

Hi Jack ...Jesus what a pain in the neck!

He's obviously intelligent so he's not behaving this way out of stupidity. I think rather he's a self centred, selfish oaf and has got this way because he lives by himself so doesn't have to consider anyone else when he's at home. The fact that your wife is making excuses for him and letting him get away with it when he stays with you means that this is going to run and run unless you take the bull by the horns and have a word with him.

Keep is friendly and try appealing to his better nature (let's hope he's got one!). It's going to be tricky as you don't want to cause an argument with your wife. Even though he is her brother, I do think she should be taking on board how bad this is making you feel. If I was in the same situation, I would be having a stern conversation with my brother and would tell him not to bother visiting unless he shaped up! I do feel sorry for your wife though as she is stuck in the middle between the two of you.

 

Your house, your rules, if he doesn't want to play by the rules, make like hard when he's there and for a lawyer, well, but there this day and age most people seem to break the rules and think it's fine

 

First and foremost, it is very rude and extremely poor "etiquette". No wonder you are at the end of your tether with it!
The most telling comment is that he is allowed to treat it like his home. He's a grown man; an intelligent man; he has his *own* home - that is where he can do as he pleases and not answer to anyone. It is there he is King of his own castle. He is behaving (in *your* home) like a spoilt, selfish child!
If he cannot accept your house rules when he *stays*, then perhaps his visits should be reduced to a family evening meal only (and if distance is a factor, he can book in at a local B&B) until he can learn what your house rules are.

I can sort of understand your wife's position (Mum gone; treat it like home) because when my own Mother was dying, my (unmarried) brother was still serving in the Armed Forces and her home had been his domicile (naturally so). However, once she died, he had nowhere to call "home" when he wanted to return on leave. So, he used to come to me, would have all his mail directed to my address etc.., etc. But, he had to respect the fact it was my home, my family routines and our house rules. The "Mum's gone/its his home" changed when: he got a place of his own!

Seems to me that you simply have to re-emphasise the boundaries because they have become extremely blurred for all of you.

Good luck, Jack.

 

No wonder the man never got married. What woman would put up with that boorish behaviour!

Does your wife really think that at his age he still needs a Mum? A man who is beyond middle age and a lawyer to boot?

I suggest that if the man typically lands on you, let's say the Saturday of a long weekend that if you are you able to afford it, take the little lady away overnight to a B & B. Let an empty house greet the uninvited guest or let him know that you will be taking a break from entertaining and maybe next holiday you'll be around...

 

I wonder what would happen if you did the same at he's place?