A joke or two - 2016

We were sitting in an empty train carriage late at night when I said to my wife, "Come on love, get them out."
She took her top off and slowly eased her boobs out of her bra.
"The tickets," I said. "The inspector's standing behind you."

 

Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him.
Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:

37OHSSV O773H.

Trump was baffled so he E-Mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children.
Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either.
They sent it to the F.B.I, no one could solve it ,nor could the C.I.A, or NASA.

They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.
Within minutes MI6 cabled this reply:

Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down !!. .

 

A local Bus Conductor, was bored with his job so he started playing about
He would wait until someone was about to get on the Bus and ring the bell whilst they only had one foot on the platform, the bus took off and the person fell on the road, It was a great laugh
One day he did this and a poor woman fell under the bus wheels and died

He was in Court and sentenced to Death by the electric chair
He sat in the chair and was asked for his last request " A banana" which he was given
They threw the switch and nothing happened
Two weeks later he again
sat in the chair and was asked for his last request " A banana" which he was given
They threw the switch and nothing happened

Week three
He sat in the chair and was asked for his last request " A banana" which he was given
They threw the switch and nothing happened

The law at the time was after Three goes you were to be set free
As he was leaving the authorities asked "Was it the Bananna"

Oh NO I am just a bad conductor

 

I thought this thread was supposed to be humourous.

 

Depends on your viewpoint, I suppose. Have you got one foot in the grave?

 

An Old Lady went into a Bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The old lady asked the man if it was true what they say about men with big feet.
The man grinned and said,"Sure is Lady, why don't you come home with me to prove it"?
so she went home with him.

The next morning she handed him £60, blushing he said,
"Well thank you,I'm really flattered,nobody has ever paid me before".

"Don't be flattered", she replied. " Take the money and buy yourself a pair of boots that fit".



Some Women Can Be Cruel !!!!..

 

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "Five beers please."

 

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress: I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.

The waitress replies: I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?

 

When her husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper but added that he died of Gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly.
"You know very well that he died of Diarrhoea"!!!!!.

The widow replied:" I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of Diarrhoea,but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover,

"Rather than the big S*** he was".!!!!!. .

 

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him
how he ended up this way.

He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all!!! I had a roof over my
head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went
to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce???"

"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no ... I got out of prison!

 

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? - A lexophile of course!


• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.


• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.


• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.


• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.


• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


• When chemists die, they barium.


• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


• Broken pencils are pointless.


• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


• Velcro - what a rip off!


• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

 

The tighty-whitey spider went down the waterslide,



Got a water wedgie halfway down the ride.



Jumped up and screamed and ran around in pain.



Now the tighty whitey spider will not do that again!

 

I saw this man walking down the high street with a cabbage on a lead!

I said "why have you got a cabbage on a lead"

He said "it's not a cabbage it's a collie!"