A joke or two - 2016

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He answered, “Call for backup.”

When you are dead you don’t know you are dead, it is only difficult for others.
It’s the same for stupid people.

People my age seem much older than me.

Just spent 15 minutes searching my car for my phone using the phones flashlight.

I want to grow my own food, but I cannot find bacon seeds.

What’s the difference between bird flue and swine flue?
One requires tweetment and the other oinkment.

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

I am starting meetings at my house for people with OCD. I don’t have it but I hope that they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

I am a seenager. (a senior teenager)
I have everything I wanted as a teenager only 60 years later.
I don’ have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a drivers license and my own car.
The people I hang around with not scared about getting pregnant and they do not use drugs.
I don’t have acne.
LIFE IS GREAT.

I don’t understand how I can remember every word from a song from 1960 and forget what I came in the other room to do.

 

You'm not thick Harry https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Murder_of_Crows

 

@Zigs , I knew the collective noun , get the joke now - not bad 24 hours !
My favourite collective noun is - an exaltation of larks.

 

A short gun story.....

A wild eyed (and quite ugly) woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, District of Columbia, waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?”

A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo, Hillary!”

 

My favourite is- a murmuration of starlings

 

AIDS WARNING.

To All Of You Approaching 60 or HAVE REACHED 60 and past, this email is especially for you.


SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATIONS LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS !.

Hearing Aids.
Band Aids.
Roll Aids
Walking Aids.
Medical Aids.
Government Aids.

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS !.

Not Forgetting HIV,
(Hair Is Vanishing ). .

 

His Lordship was in his study when the butler approached and coughed discretely.

“May I ask a question, m’lord?”

“Go ahead, Carson” said his Lordship.

“I’m doing the crossword and I’ve come across a word I am not too clear about.”

“And what word is that?” asks His Lordship

“Aplomb, m’Lord”

“Ah, now that’s a difficult one to explain, Carson. I would say it is self-assurance, or perhaps complete composure.”

“Thank you, m’Lord, but I am still a little confused.”

“Then let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you recall a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend the weekend with us?”

“I remember the occasion very well m’Lord. It gave the staff and me great pleasure to look after them.”

“Also”, continued the Earl, “do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

“I happened to be present on that occasion, m’Lord, administering to their needs.”

“Well, do you recall that, when picking the rose a thorn embedded itself quite deply in Will’s thumb?”

“I witnessed the entire incident, m’lord” said Carson, “and saw the Duchess herself bandage his thumb with her own handkerchief.”

“Then, later that evening the hole from the thorn was very sore so Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was very tender.”

“Yes m’lord, I saw everything that transpired that evening and remember it clearly.”

“And do you also remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship she asked of Will “Darling, does your prick still throb? and you, Carson, did not spill a drop?”

“That is what you call aplomb.”

 

The Candy With The Little Hole:::.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

RED-------------------------------Cherry.

YELLOW--------------------------Lemon.

GREEN----------------------------Lime.

ORANGE--------------------------Orange.

Finally the Teacher gave all the children Honey Lifesavers, none of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said," I will give you all a clue, Its what your mother may sometimes call your father".

One little girl looked up in horror,spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:::


"OH MY GOD ! They're As* HO**S" !!!!.



The Teacher Had To Leave The Room. .

 

Morris And Esther.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and every year Morris would watch the Helicopter giving pleasure flights and say,"Esther, I'd like to ride on that Helicopter".

Esther always replied," I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is Fifty Quid,and Fifty Quid is Fifty Quid".
One year Morris said,"Esther I'm 85 Years old, if I don't ride that Helicopter,I might never get another chance".

To this Esther replied,"That Helicopter ride is Fifty Quid, and Fifty Quid Is Fifty Quid".

The Pilot happened to hear Esther and said,"I'll take both of you for a free ride, If you do not say a word during the entire ride,but if you say one word you pay me Fifty Quid".

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The Pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard . He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,still not a word was heard.

When they landed, the Pilot turned to Morris and said,"By Golly,I did everything I could to get you to yell out,but you didn't, I'm impressed".

Morris replied," Well to tell the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but as you know,

Fifty Quid Is Fifty Quid" .

 

This is true and happened today.
Today is my daughter's 51st birthday and her partner said that he had told her that she looked good for her age. I knew he was joking because he was still alive.

 

Every Day,a male employee walks up very close to a female co worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it any more.
She takes her issue to a Supervisor in the Human Resources and asks to file a Sexual Harassment Grievance against the Guy.

The Supervisor is puzzled and asks," What's threatening about a Co Worker telling you your
hair smells nice"??.












"It's Frank The Dwarf" !!!!!!!!!!!!. .

 

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager’s daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit ... She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”

“No,” said the little boy, “It’s a puppy.”

 

Serious Enquiries Only. .

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Formula 1 Final Race Of The Season at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, at The Yas Marina Circuit on the weekend of the 25TH--27TH November.

They Are Box Seats and include Flights, Hospitality, and Hotel Accommodation.

He didn't realise when he bought them that this is the same day as his Wedding.
If you are interested and want to go instead of him,



It's at St Johns Church, Worcester at 2.15 PM.

Her Name Is Janet, She'll Be The One In The White Dress..

 

Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane--------------------------------.

At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story,lets save the rest of it for supper time, I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the Dinner table that evening Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story,"I was at the Playground and saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane".
"I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the
Oil Rigs"-----------------------------------.

Mummy Fainted.






MORAL--- Sometimes You Need To Just Shut Your Mouth And Listen To The Whole Story Before You Interrupt. !!! .