A joke or two - 2016

I called an old School friend on the telephone and asked him what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on : Aqua Thermal Treatment Of Ceramics, Aluminium and Steel Under a Constrained Environment:.


I was Impressed::::::::.

On further enquiring ::

I learned that he was washing dishes,and pots,and pans,with hot water,


Under His Wife's Supervision. .

 

It's not commonly known that the first Timepiece was not invented by the Swiss but by the troops fighting for Alexander The Great.

It was back in the days when Alexander was conquering the World and his troops were fighting the Persian hordes day after day with no double time for weekends,definitely no overtime and no holiday pay, so they formed the first Soldiers Trade Union.

A Delegation confronted Alexander and told him bluntly that 8 hours a day was enough sword wielding for anybody.

Alexander was sympathetic and agreed with them,but the Swiss had not yet invented the watch and the problem was to measure a regular work day.
Alexander himself came up with the answer.

If All the troops tied a rag round their wrist and continued to chop away at the enemy until the rag got damp with sweat, it was time to knock off..

That Timepiece Became Known As,







Alexander's Rag Time Band.. True Story..

 

Some old, some naughty and some decidedly politically incorrect:

Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks, they charged one and let the other off.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c’s and 10c’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

 

THE 2016 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado,
here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran,"
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk
promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and
fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime
scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds
from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was
closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and
then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's
foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked MrRiesfeldt to
the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to
evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that proves... 'Sh*t happens'

 

A Woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York.
It was raining and all the ladies of the night were standing under awnings.

"Mom", said the boy,"What are all these women doing ?".

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", She replies.

The Taxi driver turns round and says,"Geez Lady, why don't you tell him the truth?,
"they're hookers boy ! , they have sex with men for money".

The little boys eyes get wide and he says," Is that true Mom?".

His Mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes the kid asks,
"Mom, what happens to the babies these women have?".



"Most of them become Taxi Drivers", ! She Said..

 

What Are Politics ?

A Little boy goes to his dad and asks,"What are Politics ?".
Dad says ,Well son, let me try to explain it this way".

#1" I am the head of the family, so call me The President."
#2".Your Mother is the Administrator of the money,so we call her The Government".
#3 " We are here to care of your needs, so we call you People".
#4 " The Nanny, we will consider her the Working Class ".
#5 " Your Little baby brother, We'll call him the future".
"Now think about that and see if it makes sense".

So the little boy goes off to Bed thinking what Dad had said.
Later that night he hears his baby brother crying,so he goes up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his Diaper,so the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his Mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her,he goes to the Nanny's room.
Finding the door locked,he looks in the Peep hole and finds his Father in bed with the Nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his Father,"Dad, I think I understand the concept of Politics Now".
the Father says," Good son ,Tell me in your own words what you think Politics is all about".


The little boy replies, " The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored and the Future Is In Deep Sh-t. . .

 

I thought you might like to put your brains to work on this little
conundrum.

Apparently it is a possible question put to applicants for jobs at GCHQ.

There follows some examples and then the question.

Have fun

355 = 524
1235 = 2521
1143 = 17212
850 = ?

 

I've cracked it I've cracked it Tempus Fugit

 

Father O'Malley awoke to a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. Parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the White House.

The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Barrack Obama . How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself . This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Barrack, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

 

Well done Jack.

Let's see if anyone else can. They might have to take their time at it.

 

Was struggling with this , but from Jacks clue the last one is nearly nine ?

 

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the
way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of
open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is
appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly
where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must
also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be
entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations,
we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for
collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks
at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of
flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation
hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan
must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining
his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are
wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the
harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that
EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any
part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer
from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in
various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is
reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality
Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless
of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted
that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under
provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is
advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may
initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger
without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will
be arriving shortly.

 

Difference Between Complete And Finished.

When you meet the right woman you are Complete.

When you meet the wrong woman you are Finished


When the right one catches you with the wrong one YOU Are Finished !!!!!!.. .