Tweaky's Poetry, but please post your own as well.

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by tweaky, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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    -Flight

    I had this friend who went aloft
    In one of those balloons
    The breeze it took him far away
    He ended in Toulouse
    And to this day I contemplate
    Quite how he went astray
    Perhaps the thought of floating off
    Just carried him away.
     
  2. Dorsetmike

    Dorsetmike Gardener

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    Starkle starkle little twink
    who da heck you are you think
    up above the world so high
    like a diamond in a goosegog pie

    (.......... the drunker I sit here the longer I get)

    [​IMG]
     
  3. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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  4. Kandy

    Kandy Will be glad to see the sun again soon.....

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    Tweaky read my signature:rolleyes::D:D:D
     
  5. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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    eee, I meant originals:thumb:

    Here's another.

    Looking inward


    How do you define your fear
    To be frightened is a curse
    And from a bubble two men fell out
    Because the bubble burst

    One tall one dark one handsome
    I was never good at math
    The fourth one said, "I'm sorry mate"
    And climbed into the bath

    I'm frightened, as there's logic here
    But how to tell the nurse
    Your partner and your family
    Another bubble burst

    There's bubble's here and bubble's there
    They ensnare the light like prisms
    And one by one they drip and die
    Mislay their melodies and rhythms

    Plip plop plip plop gone within
    The time it takes to blow
    Ethereal and magical
    I wonder where they go

    Perhaps like me they've lost the plot
    No time to consider
    Just quite what happened, when the lights went out
    Is that all, no time to dither

    So to the pain within my breast
    I'll raise my glass with cheer
    But still it begs the question
    How do you define your fear?
     
  6. borrowers

    borrowers Gardener

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    'clap' 'clap':D

    very good people.

    cheers
     
  7. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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    Would anyone like a really long one...about how hospitals were years ago?
     
  8. skylark

    skylark Apprentice Gardener

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    A flash of brown, a black tipped tail
    a small creature you can't fail
    to miss as he moves so fast
    amongst the grass.
    Never stopping, hurrying by,
    on his way to his home to lie down in the dry.
    Many creatures live in fear
    of the stoat who plays in the field near.
    His senses are strong, clever hearing
    he knows when a rabbit is nearing
    he jumps out in it's path & stares
    catching the animal completely unawares
    and stares in their eyes
    slowly, surely, it's hypnotised.
    I saw one today cross the lane
    his coat sparkling in the rain
    on his way through the bank into the corn
    on a path, a route, well worn.
    They're secretive beings, hardly ever seen
    so energetic, so thin, so lean,
    such a joy to see & I count myself lucky
    as this one today was ever so plucky
    as he came back & past me metres away
    & stopped & looked up, as if to say
    'you're watching me, so I'll watch you okay?'

    :)
     
  9. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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    Hey that's great. I loved it.:thumb:
     
  10. shiney

    shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

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    Tweaky, I'd like to hear your poem about how hospitals used to be.

    Although I think I have put this on GC before, here is something I wrote some years ago when the soft toilet paper I bought from Sainsbury's wasn't soft :eek:. They responded in kind :thumb:


    A BIT OF A â??BUMMERâ?
    (or an inconvenience)

    It is with regret I write to you
    About a problem in my loo.
    A product I bought, in your store,
    Is starting to make my bum sore.
    In days gone by Iâ??ve used your brand
    Of toilet rolls and found them grand.
    But though theyâ??re â??super softâ? by name
    They certainly donâ??t feel the same
    As those weâ??ve used for years and years -
    Theyâ??ve brought us to the verge of tears!
    So, Sainsburyâ??s, please bring back the days
    When we can utter words of praise
    For those fine rolls we use with ease,
    That do their job; and also please.


    This was their response.


    I thank you for your charming rhyme,
    It jumped out from my pile;
    And when I showed it round the room
    It more than raised a smile.

    Our joy though did not last for long
    As soon we had to learn
    That toilet rolls from Sainsbury's
    Have caused you great concern.

    We tried to change these toilet rolls
    To make them soft and new;
    To make it fun for everyone
    To sit upon the loo.

    The buyers I will notify
    They make your bottom sore,
    And we will do our best to make
    Them softer evermore.

    The voucher I am sending you
    Comes with our great regret
    That anything from Sainsbury's
    Has caused you so to fret.

    Yours sincerely
    Alex Voskou
    Customer Services Manager


    And I replied.

    Your poem I received with joy, knowing that you care
    That my poor nether regions were in such disrepair.
    I guess the voucher I received is not for me to try
    To use here as a substitute - that brings a tear to my eye!
    So Iâ??ll assume, and thank you, itâ??s sent in sympathy
    For all the trauma suffered somewhere above the knee.
    Iâ??ll use it for the purpose I think that you intend.
    To buy your toilet rolls once more, to salve my tender end.

    Youâ??ve restored my faith in fellow man
    Which recently went down the pan
    Your voucher now seems heaven sent
    To really placate my fundament.

    To write in rhyme you have a gift
    And your response gave me a lift.
    I thank you, sir, so very much
    For the way that you have kept in touch
    With my plight - I wonâ??t forget you
    Customer Services and Alex Voskou
     
  11. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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    Wow...terrific that shiney...and fancy them responding in kind....great way to make a complaint.:thumb:
     
  12. moyra

    moyra A knackered Veteran Gardener

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    [align=center]
    Written by me many years ago, back in the 80s after meeting a fox cub reared by a vet friend.

    The Fox Cub

    That deafening noise, what can it be?
    If only my eyes were open to see.
    My mother's gone, my brothers too,
    I'm all alone, what can I do?

    All is now quiet, with an empty belly,
    so afraid and my legs like jelly,
    something to eat I've got to find
    grubs or mites of any kind.

    Now out in the open, full of fear,
    what is that noise, it sounds quite near.
    This interminable nightmare, will it end?
    What I need now is a trusted friend.

    Alone in my blindness, if only I could see.
    I can smell a strange scent close to me.
    Now I'm lifted and tucked inside
    nice warm clothing, a place to hide.

    What is happening? I feel great alarm,
    suppose this strange being means me harm.
    The gnawing hunger overcomes my fear,
    out of cover my nose and front feet appear.

    Milk, warm milk, I know I can smell,
    but is it a trap, I cannot tell.
    To drink I must if am to survive.
    It's amazing really I'm still alive.

    Oh bliss, it's milk warm and wet,
    it may be the only chance I''ll get.
    So gingerly I sup from bottle and teat,
    feeling stronger now my fate to meet.

    With a full belly all I want is to sleep,
    but alert to danger I ought to keep.
    Sleep overcomes me, I forget to beware,
    for in my slumbers I lose my nightmare.

    I must be dreaming, as warm as can be,
    with mother laying so close to me.
    But, it cannot be mother, I can tell
    this creature has a different smell.

    Now she's washing me with her tongue,
    she must realise I'm so very young.
    A mother's love has come back to me,
    out of the nightmare she's set me free.

    Gradually my eyes open, I begin to see,
    the others who share my new home with me.
    Cats and dogs and a human being,
    amazed I am at these creatures I'm seeing.

    Food and comfort, essential to me
    I have found in this strange company.
    Day by day I quickly grow and then
    settle to this life of comfort among men.

    Since I've grown I've run away twice,
    out in the woods it is quite nice.
    However, when I've had my roam,
    there is not place quite like home!

    ~~~~~~[/align]
     
  13. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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    That's beautiful Moyra. Thank you for sharing. I take it you love animals.
     
  14. tweaky

    tweaky Gardener

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    Ok.

    The ward...take your time as its a bit long.:thumb:
    ==============

    24 HOURS IN THE LIFE OF A WARD.



    THE WARD AT NIGHT.


    SOMEONE SOBBING SILENTLY
    SOMEONE SNORING CONSTANTLY
    SOMEONE WHISPERING QUIETLY
    SOMEONE READING SOLEMNLY
    SOMEONE SLEEPING RESTLESSLY
    SOMEONE WALKING PURPOSELY
    SOMEONE SCREAMING FRANTICLY
    SOMEONE THINKING OPTIMISTICALLY
    SOMEONE SIGHING DEJECTEDLY
    SOMEONE WATCHING SURREPTITIOUSLY
    SOMEONE HOPING DESPERATELY
    SOMEONE DESIRING ANONYMITY
    SOMEONE TREMBLING VIOLENTLY
    SOMEONE MOANING PAINFULLY
    SOMEONE LYING UNCOMFORTABLY
    SOMEONE PRAYING NEEDLESSLY
    SOMEONE WAKING GRATEFULLY

    ===================

    The curtains round johnâ??s bed are drawn
    Poor sod he never made the dawn
    But life goes on or so they say
    For the rest of us another day........


    The ward come morning


    The lights blast on at six o clock
    The doors burst open on the dot
    Come on you lot its time to wake
    Ten minutes to your first mistake

    Breakfast I refer to
    She asks, "corn flakes or toast"
    As if you had a choice in here
    Can I have some of both?

    "no you cant you cheeky sod
    Would you like milk with your flakes?"
    Pasteurized or semi skimmed
    What difference does it make

    No, I'll have them as a sandwich
    Between two rounds of bread
    She whips away my cornflakes
    And gives me toast instead


    Don't forget to have a wash
    Have you moved your bowels today?
    You always answer, yes nurse
    The alternatives foul play

    They give you a suppository
    And then they lock the bog
    Leave you standing in a queue
    Your thinking, oh my god

    Ten minutes is eternity
    As you stand and try hold fast
    Make sure that you are first in line
    Don't let anyone push past

    Then a cheerful sadist stands
    Smiling by the door
    If she waits just one more second
    We'll kill the bloody lady of the night

    She turns the key, the seconds tick
    Door opens with a flourish
    Twelve men between three cubicles
    Good job we're undernourished

    You wash and shave if necessary
    Make your way back, clean and neat
    All you want's to get back in bed
    But someone's changing sheets

    You have to find a chair to sit
    But someone's pinched your seat
    So you pinch someone else's
    And beat a fast retreat

    Come eight o'clock your bed is free
    To lie on if you wish
    Take my advice, s'not the place to be
    So be aware of this

    When the cleaner's come and spit
    And polish all the floors
    They leave it like a skating rink
    So you exit on all fours

    Now's the time to have a cigarette
    And try to cadge a drink
    Off friendly nurses coming on
    To begin the morning shift

    But watch out for the blonde one
    She can be a tartar
    If her boyfriend has been playing away
    You'll end up the martyr



    Now ten o clock, the old pro's
    Even zim framer's take flight
    We know whose coming very soon
    In fact we've had a sight

    Of Dracula, as she is known
    Throughout the length and breadth
    Of hospitals in every town
    She is the living dead

    A cunning smile a tray of pain
    Blunt needles facial hair
    New patients and fresh inmates
    Daft sods, she's caught them unawares

    They'll not be told, you know the type
    Silk pajamas Chinese robes
    You can bet they'll listen next time
    To the rest of us old pro's

    When the coast is clear 'bout eleven o clock
    Starving to be fed
    We wait for the consultants
    Who have just got out of bed

    They enter with a flourish
    Bring along their students
    But we have been prepared for this
    Made one or two improvements

    To bed bound patients charts
    We've learned to draw new lines
    Bp's 60 over 95
    Bed number one implies

    The students think old Fred is dead
    The consultant sitting on the bed
    He asks for their prognosis
    Try to make a diagnosis

    "does he have a temperature
    One of them suggests?"
    As they rush in with the resuss box
    And bang him on the chest

    We try to look angelic
    The consultants looking grim
    "which one of you is responsible?"
    We turn and point to Jim

    That's unfair I hear you say
    But hold on just a min
    Jim's head to foot in plaster
    It's hard to hide the grin



    When their gone the ward rounds done
    It's nearly time for dinner
    A pile of mush a tasteless pud
    Everyone is getting thinner

    Perambulant patients collect remains
    And take them to the trolley
    Some tasty bits you eat enroute
    To leave them, would be folly



    The ward during afternoon


    The dinners gone, so have the staff
    They leave you all alone at last
    No pill and needles bearing down
    The ward is quiet not a sound

    Some are in the day room
    Others sat in bed
    Now and then someone shambles past
    Only partially dressed

    No one really wants to talk
    Most of you feel tired
    But somehow you canâ??t find the time
    To have a sleep instead

    You gaze up at the ceiling
    You glance down at the floor
    Old Fredâ??s dropped his library book
    Seems no one cares no more

    Mostly you are left alone
    And thoughts run through your head
    How long will I have to stay
    It's all doom gloom and dread

    I would listen to the radio
    But to turn it on's most awkward
    I wonder what they'll bring for tea
    It wonâ??t be what I've ordered

    I hope the wife is on time tonight
    I'm gasping for a beer
    We've polished off last nights intake
    Oh god the chaplains here

    He must have sobered up
    And now he looks at me
    I know he'll pass right by my bed
    Because I'm a C of E



    Well that's what I put on the form
    When I was admitted
    It's just in case you croak you know
    Last rights are not permitted

    To most of us ungodly souls
    They treat us all like cattle
    But they really are insistent
    Mortuary or chapel

    Now I can hear some voices
    I canâ??t believe my ears
    It's only half past five by now
    But the tea trolleys just appeared


    They'll leave it there for half an hour
    Then check the temperature
    When it's three degrees 'bove freezing
    They'll wheel it straight in here

    Come on you lot its time to eat
    Soup or pudding first
    It makes no bloody difference
    First last couldn't taste much worse

    Gravy on your jelly
    Cream on your meat pie
    Didn't need the operation
    Cause when I've eaten this I'll die

    "thank you nurse that was very nice"
    George says with a wink
    Then promptly picks his soup up
    And throws it down the sink

    Tomato soup he waits his time
    Then shouts "quick nurse I'm bleeding
    I only coughed into the sink"
    By now the soups congealing

    They didn't mither checking up
    Just rushed him down to theatre
    That'll teach the silly sod
    He'll come back like frankfurter

    The surgeon working on this shift
    â??doesn't believe in anaesthetic
    By the time that George returns
    We'll all be sympathetic

    Still you have to laugh, it was quite funny
    But later he'll be sore
    By this time tomorrow night
    He'll have tubes from every pore



    The ward early evening

    Now it's time for visitors
    We're all coiffeured and neat
    You'd think they'd check the radio times
    We're still watching coronation street

    The staff nurse standing by the doors
    Face slightly flushed and pink
    Listening for the tell tale signs
    Of carrier bags that chink

    If she becomes suspicious
    She'll confiscate the lot
    We'll end up with a booze free zone
    But our visitors are not

    As gullible as she seems to think
    They have already been informed
    Wrap bottles up in kitchen roll
    In single file, don't swarm

    Did you bring them my first words
    She say's nice to see you to
    Oh B*gg*r, as I bit my tongue
    Hello my dear, love you

    I'm glad you came to see me
    You know I miss you lots
    But I think I'm being too subtle
    As on the bed she plops

    The carrier bag from Tesco's
    She sayâ??s "don't worry dear"
    The visiting time will soon be up
    Then you can have your beer

    And then the bell thank god for that
    But there's always one or two
    That hang around and linger
    Whilst we're gasping to pursue

    The contents of the carrier bags
    Now deep inside our lockers
    Will visitors please leave the ward
    Shouts the sister with big knockers

    There's one more thing to wait for
    Business before pleasure
    That's, the nice young night nurse
    With her trolley full of treasures

    There's uppers and there's downers
    Red green and blue one's to
    Would you like a sleeping tablet
    No thanks, an opal fruit will do

    She says, "now youâ??re kidding me
    You know I've only pills"
    Well give us have a dozen of each
    That'll cure my ills

    Eventually she exits
    And now we're all alone
    It's time to share our booty
    Get the cards out, lets get stoned


    The ward late evening


    We gather round bed thirty
    It's the furthest from the door
    Arthur's got the bottle opener
    Fred gets the fags from store

    On the ward smokings out
    But it's nice and cosy here
    We'll not go without our tabs
    You've got to have some cheer

    So we've sorted out a system
    Those tubes used for home brew
    We stick a cigarette in one end
    Open window, then push through

    A tiny gap is all we need
    Just a quarter of an inch
    Then you suck and blow all in one go
    No ash, no smoke, no stink

    We generally have a game of whist
    Sometimes dominoes
    Then one by weary one return
    To our beds, our thoughts our own

    Another day has ended
    Fred leaves us tomorrow
    I wish it was me instead of him
    Another can might drown my sorrows

    At ten thirty a nurse comes in
    "is everyone ok"
    "yes nurse" we all say to her
    It's like a game we play

    AND NOW WE'RE ALL ALONE AGAIN
    TUCKED UP IN OUR BEDS
    SOMEONE SLEEPING PEACEFULLY
    SOMEONE FULL OF DREAD.
     
  15. moyra

    moyra A knackered Veteran Gardener

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    Tweaky, yes anything to do with animals or nature, that's me. I love your poem about the ward it is so real.
     
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