Todays Joke Thread....

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by Banana Man, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. Marley Farley

    Marley Farley Affable Admin! Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2005
    Messages:
    30,588
    Occupation:
    Grandmother Gardener Councillor Homemaker
    Location:
    Under the Edge Zone 8b
    Ratings:
    +14,127
    :)

    :thmb:
    Not only that... It is Politically correct...!!!!


    While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

    'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

    'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

    'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

    'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

    'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

    So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

    The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
    I think I would be better off in hell.'

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
    What happened?'

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..




    Today you voted.'
     
  2. roders

    roders Total Gardener

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2006
    Messages:
    6,223
    Gender:
    Male
    Ratings:
    +7,192
    :) What's the difference between a banker and a pidgeon.













    A pidgeon can still leave a deposit on a BMW.........LOL.
     
  3. shiney

    shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2006
    Messages:
    63,602
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired - Last Century!!!
    Location:
    Herts/Essex border. Zone 8b
    Ratings:
    +124,090
    Don't know what happened to the joke I posted here :scratch:
     
  4. takemore02withit

    takemore02withit Gardener

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2008
    Messages:
    2,695
    Ratings:
    +40
    I hope you haven't been posting rude jokes Shiney.s00k:lollol:02
     
  5. shiney

    shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2006
    Messages:
    63,602
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired - Last Century!!!
    Location:
    Herts/Essex border. Zone 8b
    Ratings:
    +124,090
    I'd edited the rude bit :scratch:
     
  6. shiney

    shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2006
    Messages:
    63,602
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired - Last Century!!!
    Location:
    Herts/Essex border. Zone 8b
    Ratings:
    +124,090
    I'll try again.



    Nope! Didn't work. Maybe it was my copy and paste that can't be read!
     
  7. walnut

    walnut Gardener

    Joined:
    May 25, 2006
    Messages:
    5,814
    Ratings:
    +15
    mMaybe your writing it in white try it with a bit more colour.r:D:D
     
  8. jjordie

    jjordie ex-mod

    Joined:
    May 24, 2005
    Messages:
    3,639
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Norfolk
    Ratings:
    +206


    Fresh from the shower, a woman stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband
    that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he
    uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

    'If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it
    between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet
    paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
    'How long will this take?' she asked.
    'They will grow larger over a period of years', her husband replied.
    The woman stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
    paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?'
    Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your backside,didn't it?'
    He is still alive, and with physiotherapy, he may even walk again.:lollol:
     
  9. Paladin

    Paladin Gardening...A work of Heart

    Joined:
    May 13, 2005
    Messages:
    12,748
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired but still grubbing the soil.
    Location:
    Broadway UK
    Ratings:
    +770
    :lollol:Excellent jokes folks!

    I saw these in our local mag...

    Carols For The Struggling...

    Schizophrenia....Do You Hear What I Hear?

    Paranoid....Santa Claus is Coming to Town..to get me.

    Manic....Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Garden and Streets and Shops and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

    Attention Deficit Disorder....Silent Night Holy ooooh look at the birdies-can I have some chocolate,why is France so far away?

    NARCISSISTIC....Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

    All complaints on a postcard to 'vale mag .co .uk':hehe:


     
  10. redstar

    redstar Total Gardener

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2008
    Messages:
    7,406
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Domestic Goddess
    Location:
    Chester County, PA, USA, Plant zone 4 & 5
    Ratings:
    +11,576
  11. jjordie

    jjordie ex-mod

    Joined:
    May 24, 2005
    Messages:
    3,639
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Norfolk
    Ratings:
    +206
  12. Marley Farley

    Marley Farley Affable Admin! Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2005
    Messages:
    30,588
    Occupation:
    Grandmother Gardener Councillor Homemaker
    Location:
    Under the Edge Zone 8b
    Ratings:
    +14,127
    :lollol: Superb..!!!:rotfl::lollol:
     
  13. Mikkel

    Mikkel Gardener

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2008
    Messages:
    206
    Ratings:
    +0
    An elderly gent is standing at a bus stop when he sees a young boy walking along smoking a cigarette. He asked the boy how old he was.
    The boy says: "Six years old Mister."
    The gent asked: "How long you been smoking?"
    The boy says: "Since I first slept with a woman."
    The gent then asked: "When was that?"
    The boy replied: "I don't know, I was drunk at the time."

    :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
     
  14. AndyK

    AndyK Gardener

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2007
    Messages:
    428
    Ratings:
    +1
  15. Mikkel

    Mikkel Gardener

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2008
    Messages:
    206
    Ratings:
    +0
    Four doctors of different nationalities were boasting about their successes in transplantation at a conference.

    The Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks time.'

    The German doctor said, 'That's nothing! Why in Germany, we can remove a lung from one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in just four weeks.'

    The Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half of a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in only two weeks.'

    The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! Well, in the United Kingdom we can take two ar*eholes out of Scotland, put them in Numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.'
     
Loading...

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice