Gardening Humour

I know gardening is a serious business and there is already lots of humour posted in all the forum topics but how about a section for 'Gardening Jokes'?
Here's one to start --

A man took his very sad looking plant to a gardening expert and asked if he knew what was wrong with it. "Yes" was the reply "it's a very common complaint in plants that have been over-watered and kept in a draught. It's called 'dead' ". :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: (Hope this meets with your approval Nathan)

[ 22. July 2005, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: jjordie ]

 

A corny one:
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

An irreverant one:
A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first
day of work, the local vicar stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the vicar calls on the farmer again. Lo and behold,it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty
of cows and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the vicar says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

A naughty one:
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks
how it worked. "So-so,'' she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

 

Bayleaf!!


How do you stop Badgers digging up your lawn?......Hide your spade!

 

The real meaning of plant terminology:

"Attracts birds" means to avoid planting near cars, seating, or clotheslines.

"Attracts wildlife" means "attracts caterpillars which when they've eaten the plant you bought for them, will fly off & look pretty somewhere else"

"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."

"may need some protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."

"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.

"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.

"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.

"Vigorous" is code for "has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world."

"Grandma's Favorite" - until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.

"Ideal ground cover" = "...costs 3 times as much as lawn, is twice as boring & you can't even walk on it"

"Gorgeous tawny colour" = "looks dead"

 

rotfl :D

 

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D and two more if I could(well,you try)
Each one a gem!!

 

:D :D :D all very good.whats brown and sticky
A stick .

 

ROFL - Bayleaf they were great :D

 

Not gardening orientated but here goes

"I say, I say, I say - what ticks on walls?"

"I don't know - what does tick on walls?"

" 'ticky wallpaper!"

[ 04. August 2005, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: michaelmasdaisy ]

 

Ok - the thread about Annie the elephant made me cry so looked at the jokes and has indeed cheered me up so one of my own - very corny but the only joke I remember and guess what about a Zoo.

A young very clumsy, apprentice has had a lot of bad luck with jobs and is unable to get a job anywhere - his parents are dispondent and eventually manage to get him a job at their local Zoo thanks to a very patient and kind Zoo Keeper.

The first day he starts the Zoo keeper asks him to look after the Chimps for the day. The boy feeds them and tries to look after them - but after his 8 hour shift all the chimps are dead - the Zoo keeper is upset but not discouraged and asks him the next day to look after the bees with the bee keeper. The bee keeper gives the boy some tasks to perform - nothing too tasking but by the end of his shift the bees are all dead. The Zoo keeper tells the boy the next day that this is his last chance and gets him to look after the fish in the pond - thinking that he can't go wrong with these - unfortunately he was wrong and again by the end of his shift the fish are all dead. The poor unfortunate lad is given his cards and sent packing. But in the meantime, a new lion is intoduced to the park and put in with another lion. He looks about and enjoys the meal thrown to him - looks back at the other lion and says "It seems very nice here - I think I will be very happy here - the food seems very good for a start".

"Oh yes" says the other lion "only yesterday I was fed Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees"

Sorry about that everybody - but I do like this, only clean joke I know.

Oli

 

Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns?

because they taste funny

 

Is this a Yankee Doodle Dandy?
Well I was drinking it in the garden.

 

(Nothing to do with gardening).
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Written on a wall in the ladies' room: "My husband follows me everywhere".
Underneath it said "No I don't". :D
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If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands you are eating it too slowly. :D