allotment jokes can you beat these

Mrs Jones is on the doorstep crying when a passer by asked the reason.
I sent my husband up the allotments this morning for a cabbage for sunday lunch and after 2 hours he hadnt returned,so i went up the plot to see where he was,and to my horror i found him dead."good god Mrs Jones" asked the passer by"how did you manage"
Mrs Jones replied "I opened a tin of peas"
Well I Thought it was good anyway

 

Iwas working in the greenhouse when my neighbour asked if i had 2 pound of tomatoes to sell him
I replied that i didnt cut my tomatoes in half for anyone
Brilliant or what

 

Like the first one, but I don't get the second?

 

I think his tomatoes are so big that two pounds would only be one half of a tomato??

 

Aaah! Now I see! Thanks

 

:D :D :D

 

First time I heard this was about 30 yrs ago, when I was living in Ulster....
It's just the sort of thing an Ulsterwoman would say!!!

 

We celts are all the same,thats what a typical valley woman would say to