The Confessions Thread

I'm sure many of us listen to the Radio 2 Drivetime Confessions slot.

Thought it time we blatently plagiarised it

My Starter : The Gardener and the Banker.

After a dodgy career start working for a certain high street bank starting with the letter "B" I had enough of extorting money out of those who could least afford it and began a new job working as part of the team managing 23 acres of Estate Grounds of an old manor house, now occupied by a certain Law College. (JWK will know where)

When it came to getting paid, I was told I would need a Bank Account, and having cut all ties with the bank I used to work in, I decided to open an account with the Nat West sub branch that was in the college grounds.

The nice man behind the counter had seen me outside tending the gardens on many occasions and when I enquired about opening an account he was very helpfull and when I told him that I didn't have a bank account he was only too happy to explain that it was probably best if I opened a deposit account, as, although I wouldn't get a cheque book or card, I would get interest on my money.

Every payday he would see me in the queue, and would have the withdrawal form filled in for me already, all I had to do was tell him how much I wanted to take out and sign for it.

This went on for 5 years.

After working for the bank for so long, I was actually getting goosebumps whilst having everything explained to me like I couldn't understand even the simplest of banking transactions. I was taking pleasure from it.

One lunchtime, I was happily having everything about a loan explained to me, repayments, APR etc., when my mate in the queue behind me said to the cashier, "You do know he worked in a bank for 5 years?"

So I seek forgiveness, not only for the cashier's embarasment on realising that just because you are covered in grass cuttings & compost, it doesn't make you hard of thinking, but also for not remembering his name after so many encounters.

Its down to the Gardeners Corner Jury now.

 

In my defence, I was never going to own up about working for a bank.

 

That's not bad, you are forgiven by me.


So here is one of mine.....


Before my career as a landscape gardener, I worked in a high street bookshop chain (12 years) pile 'em high, sell them cheap type of place.
In the shop we sold a product that was called "playpacks".
These were about 4 colouring books, some stickers and a small pack of crayons, all in a wee handy bag and all for just £1!!!!
Depending on the behaviour of the child determined the longevity of the crayons.
If the child was a torn faced, greetin' pain in the back side, the playpack was manouvered in a certain way that the crayons would drop into the corner of the playpack and as it was being placed into one of our carrier bags, my thumb would crush the small coloured wax into a thousand peices.
The feelings of elation I received when smiling at the mother in pretend empathy as her spoiled brat caused mayhem, when those crayons snapped, must be on par with that of a junkie getting a hit from the start of a methodone programme.

I seek forgiveness not from the child or the mother, but to my ex-employers who went down the tubes probably due to my lack of customer care.


ps, if the jury find it in their hearts to forgive this i will tell what i did to rude customers credit cards


remember people, shop workers are human too

 

I'm keeping my confessions to myself for now (to protect those innocent family, friends and colleagues who may be involved) instead, I'm going to confess on behalf of my Grandad.

Remember when butcher's shops always had a jar of sweets on the counter for the children? No, I don't know why either, but my Grandad's shop was no different. If the children were well behaved, cute or he just felt like it, he'd often tell them to take two sweets - if they were badly behaved he'd offer them one of his 'special' sweets from the smaller jar kept under the counter and which contained a mixture of extra-strong mints and Fisherman's Friend.

'That'll teach 'em to misbehave in my shop' he'd say with a chuckle as they left, gasping for breath and eyes streaming!

Guilty as charged? You bet but a 'short, sharp, shock' which actually worked!

 

I forgive you both I will have to think "Carefully" most of mine involve doing over unsuspecting punters

 

Zigs is forgiven, nothing to forgive. If people like to talk a lot, why stop them by telling them you already know.

Saorsa, sorry, guilty as charged. Spoilt kids can be extremely irritating, but it wasn't your job to be be judge, jury and executioner. The kids may well have been lovely kids who were just being a brat on that occasion (and I challenge any parent to claim that their kids are never, ever a brat, no matter how well behaved they usually are).

Here's my one. When I was a kid I had a paper round. One house on the round features a massive great Alsation dog. One time I was posting the paper through as usual, but this time it only got part way in before there was a ferocious roar and the paper was snatched in, then I heard utter chaos as the newspaper was duly savaged just behind the front door. This amused me tremendously, and on subsequent days I would make sure I stomped my feet and rustled papers and generally made noise as I approached that house, in order to ensure the dog would hear me coming in plenty of time to be ready to entertain me with its paper savaging skills.

 

Nothing to forgive there clueless. You were providing the dog with it's "fix" ( probably neutered poor little blighter so had to get it out of the system) getting a wee dram of harmless pleasure yourself and still doing the job as contracted by your employer.
I loved your story too,
Jenny namaste

 

Saorsa, unforgiven i'm afraid, employers can't pay your wages if they don't get customers coming back.

Figetsmum's Grandad, Guilty, but then again, I gave a Victory V to a Horse once.

Clueless1, forgiven, if they wanted whole newspapers they should have got a letter box protector.

 

I have a glass of Dutch Courage here in front of me but I don't know whether I can confess to what I did as a child. Loli wouldn't forgive me - that I know. But they only went off laying for a couple of days .
Honest Loli,
Jenny

 

Well I forgive ALL of you, mostly because karma usually does it's own payback. Besides, you're making me LAFF!!!