Do you miss your parents?

My adopted Mother was a good Christian lady; very kind, very honest and very fair. I hope that some of that has rubbed off on me. My adopted Father was just a waste of space and time, and they bickered 90% of the time they were in each other's company. That generation stayed together " for the sake of the children" not realising what obstacles they put in the way of ever being able to understand human relationships.

 

I'm adopted, and everyone always thinks it's the worst thing, but it really isn't you just have to be thankful of what you were given. I'm pretty sure nothing could have been better than the family I was given. I suppose sometimes I wonder what my natural parents were like, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

On the other hand meeting them would be a lot to deal with.. probably too much.

The only thing is you have to build your own identity, as you don't have the identity of your genetic family. You know in the back of your mind, that your adoptive family isn't your genetic identity.. but you don't love them any less for that.

The only thing I know about my parents is their origin.. that's fine by me, that's all the identity I need.

 

So much sadness in the posts above but also I sense so much strength in you all.

My father died 1998 age 89 and my mother 2006 age 93 and I still miss them both very much. I am so proud of who they were as parents. But sadly my father had a stroke when he was 69 and was left paralysed down one side and couldn't speak but understood everything that was said and kept his happy disposition - my mother nursed him at home. My brothers wife died and left 4 children the youngest was 18 months and my mother also brought them up at the same time.
I was so lucky to have been born to such wonderful parents and will be for ever grateful that they made me who I am today - but yes I still miss them so much.
My one regret was that for the last 20 years of my fathers life he was unable to speak to us. But his smiling eyes said it all -all his life he was known as Alf with the smiling eyes.

 

Well Grannie Annie, he could write to you stuff right???

FC, no, did not get around to having children. My first husband turned out to be a jerk, by the time I met my 2nd husband I was 36, really did not want to start then, he did not care either way. I really don't miss not having them.

I always say I "played my hand dealt to me well" and I did, I am proud of "me". But sometime I wonder what more I could have become if I had a little support along the way. I learned early on that, to observe my friends parents and other people for insight and not think "my parents" were the whole world. But, what assessment skills did I have then to pick the "correct" ones? My parents did teach me to go to church so that was probably the one positive structured environment that kept me going, and still does today to some respect.

And when I said earlier "she gave me no support for college" I did not mean money, I met, not even a "Great going,, good for you." She told me, "your wasting your time in college, your pretty enough to go get a man and get married" In my head I told her to F off, as I was leaving for classes. And I got on the deans list in college, working at a full-time job.

 

Sadly not Redstar - but in a way he spoke with his eyes. He could read the local paper and would point to names of people that he knew. I think the sadness was that he was trapped in a body understanding everything but couldn't walk or talk. But in his way he enjoyed life, adored the grandchildren and was still a strength to us all.

 

It sounds like he did communicate lots of warmth to his family even in silence, Grannie Annie. Well if he pointed he could have pressed buttons of a communication tool, shame a good therapist did not get involved.

 

I'd lost both my parents by the relatively young age of 27. I wasn't particularly close to my mother (to put it mildly), and dad was, well, dad really. He was an honest, hard working bloke who did the best he could, while having to contend with a difficult marriage and a stroppy kid.

They didn't fuss over me or spoil me (too busy arguing most of the time), but they taught me the value of hard work, honesty and responsibility for your own actions.

So although they never showered me with affection and praise, in retrospect this instilled in me an independence and self sufficiency which has stood me in good stead during those times when life gets difficult.

As others here have already said, you strive to be a better parent by trying not to repeat the mistakes you perceive your parents to have made. Mrs Trunky and I both spent much of our childhoods listening to our parents arguing furiously and frequently. Therefore, when our own children came along we were both determined that we would not put them through the same anguish. So we didn't.

When my dad died, just a couple of months before we got married, yes, it was difficult, but not devastating. The self reliance and independence I had learned to develop as a child enabled me to keep going and put things into perspective.
So, neither of my parents lived to see me happily married or to see their grandchildren. It was simply not meant to be. Such is life.

 

Sadly my mother died when I was 7 and Sis and I were 'packed off' to a maternal aunt in the UK. My father lied about basically everything although he lived to be 93 and died in 2006.

I discovered two weeks ago I have two older brothers, only a couple of years older, who obviously did not know they had two younger sisters! We were told one died in the war and the other 'just didn't exist', their mother also 'died' in the war ... (not our mother) but theirs currently lives in Las Vegas! Sis and I are now 'getting to know our brothers', one who lives in Nottingham and the other in Qatar. There is also a niece and several nephews, all in the US except the one who 'found me' and he lives in Chichester.

Parents ... some can live with them and some can live without them ... I am in the latter category.

T'other half is adopted and chose never to attempt to contact his biological parents and both of us loved his adoptive ones dearly.

Life is very different for us all and we all take things and accept things as we find it comfortable in our mindsets.

In the meantime, I am enjoying meeting, talking to and learning about my 'new friends'.

 

I think that as many here, I have 'issues'. I have some memories that don't conform to the 'norm', which I won't go into. However, blood is thicker than water, and I wouldn't presume to cast judgement. I think that as a youngster, it's easy to misunderstand 'signals'.....

 

not sure who your thinking of Freddy, but do want to say, I left out "years" of stuff. When mom finally died when I was 36 years old, a dear close friend who knew all the stuff close at hand, said to me "well now she can't hurt you anymore". She had all along even into my adulthood tried. She, my mom missed out on a wonderful person because of her issues. That I have sadness for her, but she did not see me.

 

I dont think being adopted is the worse thing. The worst thing is to have people raise you that don't give a damn about it and theytake advantage of the fact that a child cannot defend himself. It is not only the parents that raise a child.

I do miss my parents but if I start thinking about that I will not get anything done in my everyday life.

 

Reading this thread I feel happiness for those who had a "normal" happy childhood, and a sadness for those of us who didn`t.
I was reunited with my sister 3 years ago after the death of our half brother in Australia. The rift of 11 years was caused by my mother even after her death, we talk now of how things were, and the sad thing is although she realised my position, she is 9 years younger than me, I never realised hers, as I was married and not there to see it.
We are closer now than any time previous in our entire lives.

 

Do I miss my parents? Actually - No, not one bit.

I only recall one instance when either parent played with us, nothing we ever did was quite right or good enough, whatever we wanted to do was refused because it made '... to much mess' or because they 'said so'; hugs seldom happened and as for telling us they loved us or were proud of us ... forget it.

I'm not going to bore you with the full story, suffice it to say that when my parents finally passed away it was a relief all round and I've not missed them once.

That's not to say I didn't learn a lot from my parents - my up bringing has enabled me to give my daughters the sort of family life that, with hindsight, I would have liked. Both Mr. F'smum and I have played with them, laughed with them, allowed them to get as messy as they liked, hug them frequently, tell them we love them, am proud of them (irrespective of what they achieve - or don't), we hope we've given them the skills to make their own, informed decisions, are there to help (hopefully without judgement), should those decisions go 'pear shaped' and are delightedly and gloriously close to them and to each other.

Do I thank my parents for that? In a perverse way .... I guess so.