A Joke or Two... 2014

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat,but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?", she asked her pupil.
"Because I pis*ed in it's ear and it didn't move",answered the child innocently.

"YOU DID WHAT?",the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know", explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"..

 

(Old Chinese Sayings).
Man who scratch bottom should not bite Fingernails.

War Does not determine who is right, War determine who is left.

Man Who pass wind in Church sit in his own pew.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a Husband..

 

(Politicians).

A Politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Instead of giving a Politician the keys to the City it might be better to change the Lock.

What happens if a Politician drowns in a river?,
that's Pollution,
What happens if all of them drown?
that's Solution..

 

Friends of mine are going on a cruise next week and they asked if I had any advice that may help.


"Mmmmmmmm if , when you are dining and a steward approaches you and asks you, would you like to join the Captain at his table the following evening, tell him to fog off-----!!

"you're not paying all this money to end up eating with the crew" ..

 

I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?.." He answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five 'o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"

"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

 

"I'm not going to cite you" said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous".
"I Thank Thee", replied the Amish Lady.
"I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home"

"Also ", said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles,"
"some people might consider this cruelty to animals,so you should have your husband check that too".

"Again I Thank Thee, I shall have my husband check this when I get home".

True to her word,when the Amish Lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also",said the Amish Lady,"The Policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake"..

 

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him,
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?".
"Well ",he said, "we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub".

" Oh I understand,", I said, " a normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup".
"No", he said,

"a normal person would pull the plug"


"do you want a bed near the window?"..

 

This is terrible.

Wing Suit flyer meets his Maker.


http://biggeekdad.com/2014/08/wing-suit-flyer-meets-maker/

 

Female patient: Should I have a baby after 35?
Doctor: No, generally 35 children are enough.

 

Nigerian Prince Receiving Thousands Of Ryanair Customer Complaint Emails To His Inbox.



NIGERIAN prince Michael Abiona was left flabbergasted this morning after finding over 400,000 emails in his personal inbox, he revealed.
The 43-year-old Lagos Royal said he was inundated with what looks like “Ryanair customer complaint emails”.
“It is very frustrating as I do a lot of charity work through my email account.” said Prince Michael, who regularly hands out millions of dollars to strangers for no apparent reason. “I can’t find anything as my whole inbox is jammed with emails giving out about Ryanair. It looks like a scam company or something.”
In October last year, Ryanair published their complaints email address for customers wishing to complain, but due to some complication the mails never got through. It is suspected that the no frills airline may have given a bogus address in a bid to fob off the National Consumer Agency, after the government watchdog launched an enforcement action against the airline in an effort to compel it to publish an address – in line with e-commerce laws.
“It looks like we may have given Mr. Abiona’s email address out by mistake.” explained Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary. “We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused our customers and the prince.”
Ryanair is expected to publish a new complaints email address sometime next year.

_____________________________________________________________

Found in Waterford Whispers News.

Link here. http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/20...anair-customer-complaint-emails-to-his-inbox/

 

According to statistics 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

 

A lady inserted an add in the classifieds : :Husband Wanted:.
Next day she received a hundred letters,
They all said the same thing,
"You can have mine".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married"
Father replied,"I don't know son, I'm still paying".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ .
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,"
"And then it was too late".

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"Dear Lord I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him,
"And for patience, for his moods, because Lord, if I pray for strength,"

"I'll Just Beat Him To Death"!!!.

 

'I've just sold my hoover - well, it was only collecting dust.'

 

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, ” But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
“Two dogs, please.” Says the mother superior.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.
The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part of the dog did you get?”