A Joke or Two... 2015

(It's all this guy's fault!)

 

A Minister was completing a Temperance sermon, with great emphasis he said:

"If I had all the beer in the world I'd take it and pour it into the river".

With even greater emphasis he said:

"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river".

And then finally , shaking his fist in the air he said:

"And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river".

Sermon complete, he sat down.


The choirmaster stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For Our Closing Hymn, let us all sing Hymn #365,





"Shall We Gather At The River"..

 

FOLLOWING the failure of a vote to ease the ban on fox-hunting, the government has announced a scheme where the elite will be allowed to hunt homeless people instead.

The move is seen as a two-for-one solution to issues surrounding both fox-hunting and homelessness, and will come into effect once legislation is rushed through parliament.

Recent attempts by the Government to relax the laws were met with huge opposition from animal cruelty organisations, and by the SNP who claimed they would vote against the motion. With the motion almost certain to be defeated, the Tories called off the vote, claiming they would return to the issue later in the year.

However, sources close to No. 10 have confirmed that the Government intends to simply replace foxes with the most vulnerable members of society.

“We’ll be hunting homeless people solely to thin out their numbers,” said Ian Whatho-Chalmers.

“It’s humane, really. Left unchecked, the homeless population can run rampant, causing untold hassle for ordinary people. We’ll be hunting in 6-dog packs, and of course the homeless people will be given every opportunity to escape unharmed. It wouldn’t be a sport otherwise!”

 

I am truly perplexed that so many people are against another mosque being built in Birmingham. I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant regardless of ...their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered."

Tolerance for everybody.

 

My wife’s left me because I’m too arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in.

 

The Following Letter Appeared Recently in an older generations magazine..

"SIR, I haven't got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day.

I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog, and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. .

I also listen to their conversations, tell them I 'Like' them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me, whether it interests them or not.

And It Works !.

I already have four people following me:.




Two Police Officers, A Social Worker,



And A Psychiatrist". ..

 

A son takes his girlfriend back to his house in Glasgow.

Walks into the front room and his dad is sitting there.

"Hi, this is Amanda."

His dad, watching TV, without turning his head shouts "What the ****! I never thought a son of mine would turn out like that!"

 

Just found this thread, we have had so many laughs reading though, please keep it up