A Joke or Two... 2015

4 facts from Australia. These facts are irrefutable, be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said:
(1). We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

(2). Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice,

But having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks- PRICELESS.

(3).Arguing over a girls bust size is like choosing between Fosters,Victoria Bitter or Crown Lager.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND.
I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit.

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer,

than the men who mention it..

 

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been
sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

 

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use
an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the
summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined
that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He found a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was
you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't
get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the
cherry tree."

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her
neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, she rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs
mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw.."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

 

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check up,and finds she's pregnant.
She is furious,here she is, in the middle of her election campaign and now this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming.
"How could you have let this happen?,with all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant,how could you? I cant believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!".
"Well What Have You Got To Say?".

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone, she screams again ,"DID YOU HEAR ME?".

Finally she heard Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper.


"Who's Calling?"..

 

Two Blokes are drinking in a bar.
One say's: "Do you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?",

"OH DAMN IT"---- says his friend,

"I just joined the Rotary". .

 

(Cars in Heaven).

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife.
The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage,
God gave him a compact car to drive in Heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair, and was given a mid-sized car.

The third man was asked the same question and said he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big Luxury car.

A week later, the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven,the man driving the Luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked, he replied::::::,










"I just passed my wife , and she was Riding A Bike!!!". .

 

Paddy goes do the dentist
'How's the mouth' he is asked
'Ouch, she's at home in bed sick' Paddy replies

 

Seen in paper.

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over."


What a guy!

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".

Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."