A Joke or Two... 2015

Teacher:::

"Little Jimmy, can you tell me the names of three great Kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives ?".

Little Jimmy answered,

"Drin-King, Smo-King, and Nec-King". .

 

The Queen held a fancy dress party for old seafarers at Christmas and one old timer came as a Pirate, complete with Tricorne hat, Eyepatch, and a Parrot on his shoulder.
Seeing him the Queen came over and said:

"You look very fearsome, where are your Buccaneers?".


"Under Me Buckin Hat, Ma'am".

 

Low Battery.
A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as, 'Low Battery', whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the Charger.

(Give That Man A Medal)..

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Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though,
She's lousy at Snooker..

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If you get an Email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of Ham, delete it.
It's Spam. .
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They say that Sex is the best form of exercise,
Correct me if I'm wrong,
But I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months,


Is going to shift THIS Beer Belly..

 

A tourist walked into an antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said:
'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said:
'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,
and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach,
and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now
numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and
threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water
after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants,
a Manchester united supporter, and anything French!'

 

A Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:
"What do you do at Christmas Time ?".
Patrick addressed the class;"Well Ms Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to Midnight Mass and we sing Hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and we hang up our stockings, then all excited,we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with our toys".

"Very nice Patrick", she said.

"Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?".
"Well Ms Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing Carols and we get home very late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings,we hardly sleep waiting for Santa to bring our presents ".

"Very nice Jimmy", she said.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked:
"Now Isaac Cohen ,What do you do at Christmas?".

Isaac said," Well it's the same thing every year,Dad comes home from the office.
We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive into Dads Toy Factory".
When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing:

"What a friend we have in Jesus",


"Then we all go to the Bahamas "..

 

My Mother taught me ,TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other do it outside I just finished cleaning".
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My Mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet".
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My Father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week".
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My Father taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, That's why".
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My Mother taught me more LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck you're not going to the shop with me".
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My Father taught me IRONY.

"Keep Crying",
"and I'll give you something to cry about".
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My Mother taught me OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper".
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My Mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck"....... .

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IF YOU FIND THE “F” WORD UNACCEPTABLE THEM MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T
READ FURTHER.
THERE ARE ONLY TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHERE THE "F" WORD HAS BEEN
CONSIDERED ACCEPTABLE FOR USE.THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS: 10. "WHAT THE
@#$% DO YOU MEAN, WE ARE SINKING?"-- CAPT. E.J. SMITH OF RMS
TITANIC, 1912
9. "WHAT THE @#$% WAS THAT?"-- MAYOR OF HIROSHIMA,
1945
8. "WHERE DID ALL THOSE @#$%ING INDIANS COME FROM?"-- CUSTER,
1877
7. "ANY @#$%ING IDIOT COULD UNDERSTAND THAT."-- EINSTEIN, 1938
6. "IT DOES SO @#$%ING LOOK LIKE HER!"-- PICASSO, 1926
5. "HOW THE @#$% DID YOU WORK THAT OUT?"-- PYTHAGORAS, 126 BC
4. "YOU WANT WHAT ON THE @#$%ING CEILING?-- MICHELANGELO, 1566
3. "WHERE THE @#$% ARE WE?"-- AMELIA EARHART, 1937
2. "SCATTERED @#$%ING SHOWERS, MY ASS!"-- NOAH, 4314 BC
1. "AW C'MON. WHO THE @#$% IS GOING TO FIND OUT?"-- BILL CLINTON, 1998

 

After a few too many visits to the' House of Horizontal Pleasure', a young man notices green lumps on his tender bit, so off he goes to the Doctor.

"You know how Wrestlers and Rugby Union players get Cauliflower ears?", says the Doctor.

"Yes", says the man, nodding seriously.

"Well", says the Doctor.


"You've got Brothel Sprouts ".

 

Subject: Seniors travelling - American humour

A married couple are travelling to visit their family by car. Being seniors, after almost 11 hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They decided to sleep for only 4 hours and then get back on the road.When they checked out 4 hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill of $350.00. The man exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk that although it is a nice hotel the rooms certainly are not worth $350 for 4 hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.The Manager appears, listens to him and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for them to use."But we did not use them" says the husband."Well, they are here and you could have" explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here" says the Manager."But we did not go to any of those shows" the husband says. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we did not use it!". The Manager is unmoved and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.As he did not have his cheque book he asked his wife to write the cheque. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But Ma'am, this is made out for only $50.""That is correct. I charged you $300 for sleeping with me" she replied."But I didn't" exclaims the Manager."Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have".
Don't mess with senior citizens......

 

A New Supermarket near our house has an Automatic Water Mister,to keep the Produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a Thunderstorm and the smell of Fresh Rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear Cows mooing and witness the scent of Fresh Butter Fat.

When you approach the Egg Case, you hear Hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of Eggs Frying.



So far I have been to afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle..

 

The wife texted me to say she was in casualty. I switched the TV on and watched it for 50 minutes but didn't see her. She still hasn't come home and I'm starving.