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A joke or two - 2017

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by music, Jan 2, 2017.

  1. HarryS

    HarryS Eternally Optimistic Gardener

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    I was looking for a new Triton shower head, and saw the following review below.

    Weighty .....
    I assume the Specification details are incorrect.
    Item weight 200.00kg - better get some bigger fixings !
    Reply
    Thank you for your recent enquiry. The weight of the shower head should actually read 0.200kg. Apologies for the confusion. Best Regards, Karl.
     
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    • redstar

      redstar Total Gardener

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      The teacher gave her fifth grade an assignment.

      Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

      The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

      "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

      "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol
      was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
      over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a
      pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
      wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in
      the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun
      until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,'till the
      blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

      "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
      daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

      "Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."
       
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      • music

        music Memories Are Made Of This.

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        The Ann Summers Fatality.

        A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see through Lingerie for his wife.

        He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150,in price,the more see through,the higher the price.

        He opts for the sheerest item,pays the £150 and takes the Lingerie home.

        He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,put it on and model it for him.

        Upstairs the wife thinks,' I have an idea'.

        'Its so see through that it might as well be nothing, I wont put it on,do the modelling naked,
        'Return it tomorrow, get £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

        So she appears naked at the top of the stairs,and strikes a Pose.

        The husband says,


        "Stone Me, It Wasn't That Creased In The Shop" !!!! :yikes:.




        His Funeral is Next Week. :mute:.
         
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        • music

          music Memories Are Made Of This.

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          An Ode To A Beatnik.;). An Ode By Rabbi Burns.;).


          Wee brazen multi-coloured lassie
          Wi hair sae lang,ye think yer classsy
          But really,lass,it's straight and grassy
          and tichtly matted,

          The rounded outline o'yer chassie
          is richly fatted.
          The clothes ye wear,oh whit a sicht,
          thae stockinngs could be seen by nicht,
          the skirt ye wear is awfu' ticht,
          and hellish short,
          ye ruin the thocht o 'Gods Daylight o ony sort.

          That bare midriff, will be thy ruin
          wi bleak mid winter's wind Ensuin
          yer jaws they never cease their chewin
          o' spearmint gum,or at a cigarette yer ayeways pu'in,
          Ye Reeky Lum. ;).
           
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          • music

            music Memories Are Made Of This.

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            Little Johnny's Father asks him if he knows about the Birds And The Bees.

            "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!", Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

            Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

            "Oh Dad", Little Johnny sobs , :sad:

            "First,there was no Santa Claus",:sad:

            "Then no Easter Bunny, and Finally, No Tooth Fairy".:sad:


            "If Your'e About To Tell Me That Grown Ups Don't Really Have Sex",:gaah:



            "I've Got Nothing Left To Believe in".:dunno:.
             
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            • music

              music Memories Are Made Of This.

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              The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a Saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

              After a few minutes a big tall cowboy walked in and said,"Who owns the big white horse outside?".
              The lone ranger stood up,hitched his gun belt,and said,"I Do-------Why?".

              The Cowboy looked at the lone ranger and said,"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"'.

              The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
              The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,"Tonto I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better".

              Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
              Not able to do anything else but wait,the Lone Ranger returned to the Saloon to finish his drink.

              A few minutes later,another cowboy struts into the Bar and asks,
              "Who owns that Big White Horse Outside?".
              The Lone Ranger stands again. and claims,

              "I Do, What's Wrong With Him This Time?".





              "Nothing, But You Left Your InJun Running !".;) .
               
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              • music

                music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                THE MIND REPLAYS WHAT THE HEART CAN'T DELETE.

                Defence Attorney:
                "Will you please state your Age ?"

                Old Lady:, "I am 94 years old".

                Defence Attorney:
                "Will you tell me ,in your own words",
                "What happened on the night of April 1st".

                Old Lady:,
                "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me".

                Defence Attorney:
                "Did You Know Him?"

                Old Lady:
                "No but he sure was friendly".

                Defence Attorney:
                "What Happened When He Sat Down?".

                Old Lady:
                "He Started To Rub My Thigh".

                Defence Attorney:
                "Did You Stop Him?"

                Old Lady:
                "No I Didn't Stop Him".

                Defence Attorney:
                "Why Not?"

                Little Old Lady:
                "It felt good, nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago".

                Defence Attorney:
                "What Happened Next?".

                Old Lady:
                "He began to rub all over my body".

                Defence Attorney:
                "Did you stop him Then?".

                Old Lady:
                "No I Did Not Stop Him".

                Defence Attorney:
                "Why Not?"

                Old Lady:
                "His Rubbing Made Me Feel Alive And Excited,I Haven't Felt That Good In Years !!".

                Defence Attorney:
                "What Happened Next?".

                Old Lady:
                "Well ,by then, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and told him",
                "Take Me Young Man, Take Me Now !!".

                Defence Attorney:
                "Did He Take You ?"

                Old Lady:
                "HELL NO!!, HE JUST YELLED APRIL FOOL",



                "AND THAT'S WHEN I SHOT HIM"

                "THE LITTLE SWINE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!. :gaah::gaah::gaah:.
                 
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                • BeeHappy

                  BeeHappy Total Gardener

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                • music

                  music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                  And Joseph was sent on a mighty Mission To Jerusalem.:yahoo:.

                  On entering the gates of the City he was accosted by a Harlot,who saith unto him,
                  " Joseph, What Whillst Though Give?".

                  "Five Ackers,Ten Fags, and a Pair of Wooly Socks", Saith Joseph.

                  "Joseph, Your In", Saith The Harlot.


                  Seven months had passed and Joseph was again sent back to the Holy City.

                  Entering the same gate,he was accosted by the same Harlot,who Saith Unto Him,

                  "Joseph, I Am With Child,What Steps Will You Take?".






                  "Bloooody Great Big Ones,Rather Sharpish!", Said Joseph.:help::help::help:.
                   
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                  • Doghouse Riley

                    Doghouse Riley Head Gardener

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                    A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.




                    The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.




                    The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.. Still, the man stared straight ahead.


                    The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."




                    The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she's just walked in."
                     
                  • Doghouse Riley

                    Doghouse Riley Head Gardener

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                    Yesterday my daughter E-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

                    "Like golfing and drinking beer is not a good thing?" I asked.

                    Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.


                    She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior’s Centre and hang out with the folks.


                    I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.


                    I emailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.


                    She replied, "Are you nuts? You are almost 70 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"


                    I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her.


                    She immediately telephoned me and yelled: "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses”?!


                    “This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."


                    "Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do”!


                    “I signed up for five jumps a week!!"


                    The line went dead.


                    Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
                     
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                    • Doghouse Riley

                      Doghouse Riley Head Gardener

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                      I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
                      The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity...
                       
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                      • Doghouse Riley

                        Doghouse Riley Head Gardener

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                        I was going to leave my job in hotel management, but I had a few reservations.
                         
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                        • Doghouse Riley

                          Doghouse Riley Head Gardener

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                          A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
                          "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
                          "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
                          A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
                           
                        • Doghouse Riley

                          Doghouse Riley Head Gardener

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