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A joke or two - 2017

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by music, Jan 2, 2017.

  1. music

    music Memories Are Made Of This.

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    Given that Mr Blair was in the news again recently, I think you should read this with new eyes.

    On a recent trip to the United States,Tony Blair,ex,Prime Minister of the UK,addressed a major gathering of native American Indians.

    He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the UK and Europe.

    At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a Plaque inscribed with his new Indian name--------------Walking Eagle.


    A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade,waving to the crowds----------
    A News Reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.-------------.




    They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh** that it can no longer fly. ;).
     
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    • kindredspirit

      kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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    • Fat Controller

      Fat Controller Cuddly Scottish Admin! Staff Member

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    • music

      music Memories Are Made Of This.

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      (An Old Chic Murray Joke).

      Chic Went To See His Doctor,

      "What's The Problem Mr Murray?".
      "Well Doctor, every morning I have a complete evacuation of the Bowels, at 7.30 am Precisely".

      "I don't see that as a problem Mr Murray, in fact,we call that 'Being Regular' ".


      "The Problem Doctor, is that I don't get out of bed until 8.30 am !!!!!". says Chic. :star:.
       
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      • music

        music Memories Are Made Of This.

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        A Cardiologist Died and was given an elaborate Funeral.
        A Huge heart covered in Flowers stood behind the Casket during the service.

        Following the Eulogy, the heart opened and the Casket rolled inside the beautiful heart,then closed,sealing the Doctor inside forever.

        At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.

        When all eyes stared at him he said: "I'm Sorry, I was thinking of my Funeral",


        "I'm A Gynecologist"..




        The Proctologist Fainted. :yikes::yikes::yikes:.
         
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        • music

          music Memories Are Made Of This.

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          (For Sale).

          A Toilet from ABBA'S Tour Bus

          What A Loo, :sofa:.
           
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          • music

            music Memories Are Made Of This.

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            A Lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing his interest in sex.
            The Doctor gives her a pill,but warns her that it's still experimental.
            He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner,so that night,she does just that.

            About a week later she's back at the doctor,where she says,"Doctor the pill worked great! I put it into the potatoes like you said,it wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up,raked all the food and the dishes onto the floor,grabbed me ,ripped all my clothes off,and ravaged me right there on the table".

            The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong!, the foundation will be glad to pay for any damages".


            "Nah" she says," that's okay, We're never going back to that restaurant anyway". ;).
             
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            • Steve R

              Steve R Soil Furtler

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              A horse with a bandaged head walks into a bar and orders a large Brandy a Gin & Tonic and two pints of Guiness, he swiftly downs all the drinks and turns to the barman and says.

              "I should not drink with what I have."

              "Why, what do you have?" says the barman.

              "About £2 and a carrot" says the Horse.

              Steve...:)
               
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              • JazzSi

                JazzSi Super Gardener

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                John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

                So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.


                After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

                ‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

                'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

                The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


                Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


                They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.


                But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

                He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


                Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'


                ‘She just died and left me everything.'





                (You were expecting a different ending weren't you?)
                 
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                • music

                  music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                  A Professor was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
                  To get a feel for his audience he asked,"How many people here believe in Ghosts ?".

                  About 80 students raise their hands,"Well that's a good start,out of those who believe in ghosts,do any think you have seen a ghost?".

                  About 40 students raise their hands . "That's really good ,I'm really glad you take this seriously, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost ?".

                  About 20 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?".
                  4 students raise their hands.

                  "That's Fantastic, now let me ask you one question further---------.

                  "Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?".

                  At the back of the class a student raises his hand.

                  The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years Iv'e been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost,you've got to come up here and tell us about your experience".


                  The student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium.



                  When he reached the front of the room the professor asks,
                  "So Anthony, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost?".



                  Anthony replied , " F***, from way back of the class I thought you said Goats" :scratch::scratch:.
                   
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                  • kindredspirit

                    kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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                    You are 22 times more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark.

                    This is true! I was chased by my ex, wielding a knife, once.

                    :):)
                     
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                    • kindredspirit

                      kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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                    • music

                      music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                      Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
                      One day the dog died,and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,"Father my dog is dead could you be saying a Mass for the poor creature?".

                      Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not,we cannot have services for an animal in the church,but there are some Baptist churches down the lane and there's no tellin what they believe,maybe they'll do something for the creature".


                      Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father,do ya think £3000 is enough to donate to them for the service?".

                      Father Patrick Exclaimed,

                      "Sweet Mary,Mother Of Jesus !",


                      "Why didn't Ya Tell Me The Dog Was A Catholic !".;).
                       
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                      • music

                        music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                        A Man leaned towards an attractive woman at a Bar and said to her, loudly,
                        "Haven't I seen you somewhere before ?",

                        "Yes",she replied in a loud voice",

                        "I'm the Receptionist at the V.D. Clinic". ;).
                         
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                        • music

                          music Memories Are Made Of This.

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                          A Man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
                          "But wait a minute", said the listener,
                          "She would have to dress with the boys and shower with them too,wont she?".

                          "Sure", replied the man

                          "Well Wont They Find Out?".


                          The man shrugged, "But Who Will Tell". ;).
                           
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