1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
  2. Congratulations to Sheal for winning the January Photo Competition!
    AND
    That also makes Sheal our first entry in the Champion of Champions thread for 2018!

    February's Photo Competition is now open, with December's winner Canadian Lori choosing the theme - February: Bliss or Bleak?

    The Recipes area of the forum continues to thrive, with a library of tasty recipes growing all the time - if you have any suggestions, please do join in with the Recipes Sub-Forum Discussion

    Or, why not learn something from our very own resident CHEF!

    Dismiss Notice

A joke or two - 2017

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by music, Jan 2, 2017.

  1. kindredspirit

    kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2009
    Messages:
    3,360
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired.
    Location:
    Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
    Ratings:
    +3,518
    [​IMG]

    The new Oval Office. :) :)
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • kindredspirit

      kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

      Joined:
      Nov 21, 2009
      Messages:
      3,360
      Gender:
      Male
      Occupation:
      Retired.
      Location:
      Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
      Ratings:
      +3,518
    • kindredspirit

      kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

      Joined:
      Nov 21, 2009
      Messages:
      3,360
      Gender:
      Male
      Occupation:
      Retired.
      Location:
      Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
      Ratings:
      +3,518
      [​IMG]
       
      • Funny Funny x 2
      • Like Like x 1
      • Agree Agree x 1
      • kindredspirit

        kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

        Joined:
        Nov 21, 2009
        Messages:
        3,360
        Gender:
        Male
        Occupation:
        Retired.
        Location:
        Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
        Ratings:
        +3,518
        The Masochist said to the Sadist, "Whip me!"

        The Sadist said "NO!"

        :) :)
         
        • Like Like x 2
        • Agree Agree x 1
        • music

          music Memories Are Made Of This.

          Joined:
          Jun 14, 2009
          Messages:
          3,402
          Gender:
          Male
          Occupation:
          A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
          Location:
          Scotland
          Ratings:
          +2,744
          Question:::

          Which Bees Produce The Most Milk ?===== Boo Bees. :sofa:.
           
          • Funny Funny x 3
          • music

            music Memories Are Made Of This.

            Joined:
            Jun 14, 2009
            Messages:
            3,402
            Gender:
            Male
            Occupation:
            A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
            Location:
            Scotland
            Ratings:
            +2,744
            Farmers wives, Samantha and Brodwyn were having a cuppa and discussing their sheep herds.
            Samantha said,"That blooody ram we paid a fortune for hasn't been performing for months,so Gareth got the Vet in last week and the Vet gave him some tablets and said,"Try These".

            The Vet said that they would work wonders and would maintain an erection for hours.

            "Oh that's great said Brodwyn, did they work?".

            "Did They Work?. I'll say they did, bloooody Absolutely Amazing, mind you Gareth said,

            " They Tasted Bloooody AWFUL !!! " .;).
             
            • Funny Funny x 1
            • music

              music Memories Are Made Of This.

              Joined:
              Jun 14, 2009
              Messages:
              3,402
              Gender:
              Male
              Occupation:
              A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
              Location:
              Scotland
              Ratings:
              +2,744
              On The Morning That Winter Daylight Saving Started ,I Dropped In To Visit An Ageing Friend Of Mine.


              He was busy covering his Dangler with Black Shoe Polish. :scratch:.


              I told him, 'You Better Get Your Hearing Checked' ,


              'You're Supposed To Turn Your , Clock Back'. :sofa:.
               
              • Funny Funny x 1
              • kindredspirit

                kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                Joined:
                Nov 21, 2009
                Messages:
                3,360
                Gender:
                Male
                Occupation:
                Retired.
                Location:
                Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
                Ratings:
                +3,518
              • Fat Controller

                Fat Controller Cuddly Scottish Admin! Staff Member

                Joined:
                May 5, 2012
                Messages:
                14,648
                Gender:
                Male
                Occupation:
                Public Transport
                Location:
                At me 'puter, GCHQ Ashford Office, Middlesex
                Ratings:
                +23,392
                Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.


                While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.


                The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


                Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is amillion dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

                Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.

                Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.

                Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.

                The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
                 
                • Agree Agree x 2
                • Funny Funny x 2
                • Like Like x 1
                • kindredspirit

                  kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                  Joined:
                  Nov 21, 2009
                  Messages:
                  3,360
                  Gender:
                  Male
                  Occupation:
                  Retired.
                  Location:
                  Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
                  Ratings:
                  +3,518
                • music

                  music Memories Are Made Of This.

                  Joined:
                  Jun 14, 2009
                  Messages:
                  3,402
                  Gender:
                  Male
                  Occupation:
                  A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
                  Location:
                  Scotland
                  Ratings:
                  +2,744
                  A Wife. being the romantic sort sent her husband a Text:

                  " If You are sleeping,send me your dreams"
                  " If You are laughing,send me your smile"
                  " If You are eating, send me a bite"
                  " If You are drinking,send me a Sip"
                  " If You are crying, send me your tears"
                  "I Love You !".


                  The Husband, being typically Non Romantic Replied:






                  "I Am Having Diarrhoea , Please Advise". :Wino:.
                   
                  • Funny Funny x 1
                  • kindredspirit

                    kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                    Joined:
                    Nov 21, 2009
                    Messages:
                    3,360
                    Gender:
                    Male
                    Occupation:
                    Retired.
                    Location:
                    Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
                    Ratings:
                    +3,518
                    Paddy said to Murphy.

                    "I put £20 on a horse today and he came in at 25 to 1."

                    "You must be loaded" said Murphy.

                    "Not really" said Paddy "The rest of the field came in at 12.30."

                    :) :)
                     
                    • Funny Funny x 1
                    • music

                      music Memories Are Made Of This.

                      Joined:
                      Jun 14, 2009
                      Messages:
                      3,402
                      Gender:
                      Male
                      Occupation:
                      A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
                      Location:
                      Scotland
                      Ratings:
                      +2,744
                      A Guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced for dinner at 6.30,after enjoying a day of golf.
                      His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table,open mouthed,listening to the tirade.

                      "My hair and make up are not done,the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink !",
                      "I'm completely exhausted ,I didn't get enough sleep last night,cant you see I'm still in my Pajamas?. I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!, Why the hell did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid ass!".





                      "Because----------------




                      "He's Thinking of getting Married". ;).
                       
                      • Like Like x 1
                      • kindredspirit

                        kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                        Joined:
                        Nov 21, 2009
                        Messages:
                        3,360
                        Gender:
                        Male
                        Occupation:
                        Retired.
                        Location:
                        Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
                        Ratings:
                        +3,518
                      • kindredspirit

                        kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                        Joined:
                        Nov 21, 2009
                        Messages:
                        3,360
                        Gender:
                        Male
                        Occupation:
                        Retired.
                        Location:
                        Near a big puddle in the mists of the west.
                        Ratings:
                        +3,518

                      Share This Page