A JOKE OR TWO.!!

Discussion in 'The Muppet Show' started by music, Jan 2, 2017.

  1. music

    music Memories Are Made Of This.

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2009
    Messages:
    3,415
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
    Location:
    Scotland
    Ratings:
    +2,785
    Kim Jong Un, Announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the Sun within ten years.
    A Reporter said,"But The Sun Is Too Hot, How Can Your Man Land On The Sun??.:scratch:.

    There was a stunning silence,Nobody Knew How To React.:scratch:.

    Kim Jong Un Quietly answered, "We Will Land At Night".:yes:.

    The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause .:yay:.

    Back in Washington, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news Conference.


    When Trump heard what Kim Jong Un said, He Sneered ,

    "What An Idiot, Everybody Known There's No Sun At Night" :rasp:.


    His Cabinet and everyone working in the White House Broke Into Thunderous Applause,:yay:.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • redstar

      redstar Total Gardener

      Joined:
      Aug 6, 2008
      Messages:
      7,061
      Gender:
      Female
      Occupation:
      Domestic Goddess
      Location:
      Chester County, PA, USA, Plant zone 4 & 5
      Ratings:
      +10,375
      An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.

      He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

      The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it

      inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

      When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years,

      but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

      The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.
       
      • Funny Funny x 3
      • Like Like x 1
      • miraflores

        miraflores Total Gardener

        Joined:
        Apr 16, 2006
        Messages:
        5,484
        Location:
        mean daily minimum temperatures -1 -2
        Ratings:
        +2,389
        upload_2017-8-30_21-56-46.png

        DON'T WORRY ... THE PRESIDENT SAYS: "ALL IS WELL"...
         
        • Like Like x 1
        • kindredspirit

          kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

          Joined:
          Nov 21, 2009
          Messages:
          3,671
          Gender:
          Male
          Occupation:
          Retired.
          Location:
          Western Ireland (but in a cold pocket)
          Ratings:
          +4,585
          [​IMG]
           
          • Funny Funny x 2
          • Like Like x 1
          • kindredspirit

            kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

            Joined:
            Nov 21, 2009
            Messages:
            3,671
            Gender:
            Male
            Occupation:
            Retired.
            Location:
            Western Ireland (but in a cold pocket)
            Ratings:
            +4,585
            [​IMG]
             
            • Like Like x 3
            • Funny Funny x 2
            • Jack Sparrow

              Jack Sparrow Total Gardener

              Joined:
              Jul 24, 2017
              Messages:
              2,604
              Gender:
              Male
              Location:
              Peterborough
              Ratings:
              +5,414
              Diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in the genes.

              G.
               
              • Agree Agree x 1
              • Funny Funny x 1
              • music

                music Memories Are Made Of This.

                Joined:
                Jun 14, 2009
                Messages:
                3,415
                Gender:
                Male
                Occupation:
                A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
                Location:
                Scotland
                Ratings:
                +2,785
                My Wife and I went to the Auction Mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first Exhibits we stopped at was the Breeding Bulls.
                We went up to the first Pen and there was a sign attached that said:::."THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR".
                My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs------smiled and said,"That mated 50 times last year,that's almost once a week".

                We walked to the second Pen which had a Sign attached that said,
                "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR".

                My wife gave me a Hearty Jab and said--"WOW=That's more than twice a week -----------,
                "You Could Learn A Lot From Him".

                We walked to the Third Pen and it had a sign attached which said,
                "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR".

                My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,and said-------------.
                "That's Once a day-----You could really learn something from THIS one".

                I looked at her and said,"Go over and ask him if every time was with the same Old Cow"?.



                "My Condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually,


                Make A Full Recovery". :dbgrtmb::dbgrtmb::dbgrtmb:.
                 
                • Funny Funny x 6
                • kindredspirit

                  kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                  Joined:
                  Nov 21, 2009
                  Messages:
                  3,671
                  Gender:
                  Male
                  Occupation:
                  Retired.
                  Location:
                  Western Ireland (but in a cold pocket)
                  Ratings:
                  +4,585
                • BeeHappy

                  BeeHappy Total Gardener

                  Joined:
                  Feb 19, 2016
                  Messages:
                  4,316
                  Occupation:
                  Mother Nature's Garden Apprentice
                  Location:
                  Happy in the Garden of W' Eden ;)
                  Ratings:
                  +6,133
                  There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.

                  He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park.
                  But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
                  The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible,' said the man to himself. 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!'



                  The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.

                  A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers. It's the husband, and he asks: "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes." says the wife, "he's been here quite a while, where are you?"






                  "Put that little sod on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

                  maxresdefault.jpg
                   
                  • Like Like x 1
                  • Funny Funny x 1
                  • kindredspirit

                    kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                    Joined:
                    Nov 21, 2009
                    Messages:
                    3,671
                    Gender:
                    Male
                    Occupation:
                    Retired.
                    Location:
                    Western Ireland (but in a cold pocket)
                    Ratings:
                    +4,585
                  • kindredspirit

                    kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

                    Joined:
                    Nov 21, 2009
                    Messages:
                    3,671
                    Gender:
                    Male
                    Occupation:
                    Retired.
                    Location:
                    Western Ireland (but in a cold pocket)
                    Ratings:
                    +4,585
                  • music

                    music Memories Are Made Of This.

                    Joined:
                    Jun 14, 2009
                    Messages:
                    3,415
                    Gender:
                    Male
                    Occupation:
                    A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That.
                    Location:
                    Scotland
                    Ratings:
                    +2,785
                    First Day At The Senior Complex.

                    On her first day at the senior complex,the new manager addressed all the seniors,pointing out some of her rules.

                    "The Female sleeping quarters will be out of bounds for ALL males,and the Male dormitory out of bounds to All Females".

                    "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £25 for the first time".

                    She continued,
                    "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £49".
                    "Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of £80" .

                    "Are there any questions?".
                    At this point an older Gentleman stood up in the crowd inquires,










                    "HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS" ?.:Wino:.:smile:.









                    .
                     
                    • Funny Funny x 1
                    • redstar

                      redstar Total Gardener

                      Joined:
                      Aug 6, 2008
                      Messages:
                      7,061
                      Gender:
                      Female
                      Occupation:
                      Domestic Goddess
                      Location:
                      Chester County, PA, USA, Plant zone 4 & 5
                      Ratings:
                      +10,375
                      A widower who rather disliked his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately.

                      He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

                      "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

                      "Yes, my husband."

                      "Are you happy?"

                      "Yes, my husband."

                      "Happier than you were with me?"

                      "Yes, my husband."

                      "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

                      "I'm not in Heaven, dear."
                       
                    • BeeHappy

                      BeeHappy Total Gardener

                      Joined:
                      Feb 19, 2016
                      Messages:
                      4,316
                      Occupation:
                      Mother Nature's Garden Apprentice
                      Location:
                      Happy in the Garden of W' Eden ;)
                      Ratings:
                      +6,133
                    • BeeHappy

                      BeeHappy Total Gardener

                      Joined:
                      Feb 19, 2016
                      Messages:
                      4,316
                      Occupation:
                      Mother Nature's Garden Apprentice
                      Location:
                      Happy in the Garden of W' Eden ;)
                      Ratings:
                      +6,133
                    Loading...

                    Share This Page

                    1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
                      By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
                      Dismiss Notice