A joke or two.

"Nice threads, man" said Tom when Paddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick them up?"

Paddy beamed from ear to ear. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me." said Paddy with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early yesterday and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

 

They opened the door of his cell on death row and led him out, down the corridor and into the execution room with the electric chair.

Then the chaplain came over to him and asked him if he had a last request.

"Oh. Yes." he said, "Can you hold my hand?"

 

Paddy: "I've never been lucky in Love, I've been married twice and both of my Wives died!"

Murphy: "What happened?"

Paddy: "My first wife died from eating poisoned mushrooms"

Murphy: "...that's terrible, and the second?"

Paddy: "The second died from a fractured Skull"

Murphy: "How did she get that?"

Paddy: "She wouldn't eat her Mushrooms!"

 

I'm addicted to brake fluid....




















but I can stop anytime!

 

An American tourist was fed up after a fortnight of continuous rain on his holidays in Ireland.

He asked a local lad "Gee, does it ever stop raining in Ireland?"

The lad replied "How should I know, I'm only 10".

 

This proves we have
become far too dependent
on our computers.

1) Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down....






















































I said,

Look down, not scroll down....

:D :D :D

 

Samantha arrived early in the hospital for her operation. Later that morning the nurses undressed her, covered with a theatre sheet and wheeled her off to the theatre.

The red light was on in the corridor outside the theatre doors so the orderly said "Wait here" to her and went in through another door.

Then a man in a white coat came up to her on her trolley in the corridor, lifted the sheet and examined her naked body very closely. He then snapped his fingers at another man in a white coat who lifted the sheet again and gave her another thorough examination from head to toe.

Getting impatient she said "This is all fine and good but when are you going to start the operation?" "I dunno" said the first man, "We're only the painters!"

 

Holy Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?





Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 

The engineers went on spring break and being on a budget they took the train. In the car with them was a group of marketing majors. The marketing guys noticed that the engineers had only bought one ticket.

"You guys are screwed. The conductor is coming!"

The engineers all crowded into the toilet. When the engineer came along and knocked on the door, "Ticket please." The engineers pushed the ticket under the door, the conductor clipped it and pushed it back. After the conductor left they all piled out.

On the way back the marketing guys had purchased only one ticket having learned the trick from the engineers. The engineers, however, had no ticket at all.

"You guys are screwed. The conductor is coming." The engineers piled into one toilet and the marketing guys piled into another.

Just before the conductor arrived in the carriage one of the engineers went to the other toilet door, knock-knock. "Ticket please."
__________________

 

A friend once mentioned that only 5% of women make it to heaven.

I asked him why only 5%?

He said that any more than 5% and it would be hell.

 

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

 

B&Q Warehouse scam

A warning for all men who may be regular B&Q Hardware Store customers - be careful. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two young 20 - 21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another B&Q Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts making out with you , while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.

Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 21st, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

 

A Judge says to Mickey Mouse! "You can't divorce Minnie on grounds of buck teeth."

Mickey sighs and says "No, not buck teeth, fxxcking Goofy...."




I'll get my coat

 

Let the Trucker Sleep

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.


:D:D:D

 

Woman goes to doctor complaining that husband is aggresive after a few drinks and knocks her around a bit.

Doctor says to her, listen for your husband coming home, just before he gets in the door, fill your mouth with water, as much as you can get in and keep it there til he falls asleep.

After a month she returns to the doctor and says its a miracle, he has not laid a hand on me for a month, how has he changed? Doctor says its not him, its you. Having a mouthful of water has meant you have kept your ***** mouth shut.



( I'll get me coat ! )