Grandkids and divorce

I wonder if anyone can offer any advice on a difficult situation.

Our daughter is going through divorce , her husband has drank for 15 yrs of the 20 yr marriage .she stuck with him for the sake of her children .
Our granddaughter 16 which is understandable is finding it all very hard .

I'm sure there are many who have had the same problems, I feel that she needs someone who she can talk to confidentially.
She has always confided in myself but I have wondered how to go on about finding someone who can be there for
children /teenager's to talk confidentially in this situation and at the same time giving much needed advice.

 

I can't offer any advice but your situation is uncannily like ours, too. Our daughter is trapped in a marriage she has hated for some years now. Her husband has never drunk nor been physically abusive to her but he does mentally. She confides in her mum a lot & my wife has made enquiries in several organisations. One of the biggest problems is that she has 3 children between 8 & 16 & they live in a small village. She has no car so she can't get a job elsewhere. Just 1 bus an hour, if it isn't cancelled.

Her husband is a jealous man & can't stand the thought of her working in a place where there are other men!

 

Until she turns 19 Childline is available to talk to and could point her in the direction of other support groups.

 

It's important to make sure that your granddaughter understands that her parents splitting up doesn't change how each feels about her. And that her parents splitting up, although it seems awful in the moment, is actually best for all concerned. Seeing her parents unhappy will make her unhappy, so a clean break gives both parents the space to rediscover their happiness, which in the mid to long term will also be good for the granddaughter. Although it won't feel like that in the immediate short term.

It is also important that your granddaughter has a good support network. For some that might involve external organisations, but I think it really means trusted family and friends. If there's room at your house one option might be to extend an open invite for her to stop over whenever she feels like she needs a bit of space.

Other than making sure she knows she's not to blame (yes, kids if divorcing parents often look to blame themselves), and that her dad is still her dad and her mum is still her mum and always will be, beyond that I wouldn't try to force her to open up. Sometimes people just need a break from the difficult things in their life. Equally, I wouldn't try to hard to create distractions. Kids notice when you're doing that. Just provide as much normality as possible, while making sure they know you have their back.

Her support network needs to be a bit vigilant. Kids going through uncertain times sometimes manifest their stresses and worries in unexpected ways. It's normal that academic performance might suffer, and that some crazy ideas might be had. Usually harmless in the long run. But it's also not unusual to develop misplaced anger and hatred, and questionable behaviour and habits. So it's important to watch for early signs of going off the rails a bit. Again, this is where her support network is most needed. Just make sure that her support network is the right one, and be ready to intervene, very tactfully and diplomatically, if she aligns herself to a support network that doesn't have her best interests at heart.

I must throw in a disclaimer here. I recognise that every situation and every individual is different. All of the above is based solely on my own experience of being a teenager during a parental breakup, and what, with the benefit of hindsight, I observed in myself and others that experienced a situation not entirely dissimilar to this.

 

Also, from the perspective of the kids of divorcing parents, everything they know is changing. That makes for scary, uncertain times, and a lot of confusion. All their life so far has featured mum and dad in the same home, and now that's about to change. There's nothing that will change that, but it's just something to keep in mind as you navigate this.

 

Childline Childline | Childline is indeed a good organisation. "Counselling" is often a bit of a big word but they are the experts on pointing the kids into right directions and suggesting good sites to visit. All kids anyways will talk about their situation online, if Childline can recommend good sites/ groups/ forums it's probably better than do the talking in tiktok or whatever.

Perhaps you as a grandparent could also call their line and explain the situation. I'm sure they will give guidance.

A big gift a grandparent can do is to stay in good/ reasonable terms with their child's ex- spouse if at all possible. That creates stability and a role model that a divorce doesn't mean breaking up all relationships, it's just a marriage between the spouses that has ended.