Just a few to either upset you or make you laugh!

I love my job as a genetic engineer, just this week I spliced together a llama and a giraffe.

For a laugh. :gnthb:








A overweight woman goes to her Doctor and asks "What's the easiest exercise i can do to help me loose weight?" .He replies "Shake your head from side to side". She asks "How often should I do that?". Doctor says "Every time you're offered food. :yho:



For Sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.



Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



An elderly couple are attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I
just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' :D


[align=center]A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a 'blue streak' for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "Well, I don't know. It ain't 'til next week." :hehe:


I was walking down the road and saw my Afghan neighbour Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?" :D


A story with a moral Johnny told teacher at school.

Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge.
She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete.
So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

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Husband and wife were having dinner at a very posh restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Bahamas, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls or BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies. :hehe:

 

lol,
the one about the hearing took a moment or two (late night!) but did make me chuckle once I got it....as they all did

 

good ones.

 

:lollol:Thanks for that Kindred, needed a smile today.

cheers

 

Some Good ones there Kindred. liked the Mistress one , a bit true to life:D music .